Moderation, Addiction and When to Say When
I gave something up for Lent. I’ve been thinking about giving it up for sometime. Ever since I read Inside-Out Simplicity by Joshua Becker, I’ve given a lot of thought to moderation, addiction, and when to say when.
I’ve always had an interesting relationship with alcohol. In my early 20′s, I was a bartender. I loved pouring drinks as much as I enjoyed drinking them. I married, and seven years later divorced an alcoholic. During that marriage, I stopped drinking several times. I thought if I stopped drinking, he’d stop drinking, but it doesn’t work like that. So I didn’t stop for long.
Not unlike many many of you, alcohol has been a part of every holiday, family function, great getaway and weekend unwinding for as long as I can remember. Not in a get upside down kind of way, but in a social, celebratory way. While I used to enjoy a crisp clean cosmopolitan, spicy red wine is more my style today.
There’s a place somewhere in between moderation and addiction. I’ve been there with alcohol, food, work, shopping, exercise and other habits. I’m not sure what to call that place. Indulgence? Denial? I do know that the older I get, the faster I recognize when I’m headed there.
I’ve also realized that how we feed our bodies and souls is usually an indication of what we think of ourselves. Indulgence or denial is always a sign to take a better look at when you say when. What event or situation is asking you to overeat, drink too much, watch to much TV, or to do something that negatively affects your health, inside or out?
So what’s wrong with a glass of wine with dinner, or two or three on the weekend? I thought nothing…until I read Joshua Becker’s take on addiction. In Inside-Out Simplicity, he posed this challenge…
See if you can fill in this blank, ―I could never give up ________________ for the next 30 days!
My first response was, well I could give up anything for 30 days, but I wouldn’t want to. Then, I stopped being defensive and filled in the blank.
Wine. I could never give up wine for 30 days.
I read Inside-Out Simplicity months ago, but that challenge has stuck with me. In fact, almost every time I buy a bottle of wine, I think, if I could give this up for 30 days, why haven’t I? I could start telling you that maybe this, and maybe that, but I know what the answer is. I’ll share it with you. You might think it’s silly, or maybe you’ve thought the same thing.
If I give up wine, and quit drinking, does that mean I have a problem with alcohol. If I enjoy wine so much, that it would be a challenge to give up, am I addicted? Only after I said those words privately to myself, and now out loud to you, can I see that I’m not addicted to wine or anything else. That said, I can also see that after only a few drinks, I am pretty tipsy, and the next day, a little fuzzy. A hangover in your 40s is different than a 20 something hangover. It comes easier, and hangs on longer.
Hmm…Tipsy and fuzzy…not exactly in line with my life on purpose mission.
Lent seemed like the perfect opportunity to be tipsy-less and fuzzy-less. Why not 40 days instead of 30? I started early and had my last glass of wine on Friday, March 4th. I haven’t missed it. Not one day. Last weekend, my husband and I went out to dinner with friends. We had a bottle of wine on the table and I drank water. It wasn’t a big deal to me or them.
Your turn, see if you can fill in this blank, ―I could never give up ________________ for the next 30 days!
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40 Responses to “Moderation, Addiction and When to Say When”
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Thankfully I could give up anything for 30 days.
I know you said youq were defensive at first, but, in my case, I am not.
I am not trying to brag or shove it in anyone’s face. I am just thankful that I am capable of having that control and power over my life. I have done many 30-day-give-up-this-or-that challenges and I think they are a great way to feel empowered and to test our minds and bodies.
Reviewing my comment, I sound like a jerk to those who have similar challenges like your wine one Courtney. I guess it is just tough for me to relate. I also like to show others that testing and challenging ourselves is necessary, but that we are not weak or an addict because we choose to or not to give something up.
If anyone has comments regarding my comment, please reply and maybe I can better clarify.
I support everyone who challenges themselves to improve their lives.
David Damron
LifeExcursion
I couldn’t give up writing for 30 days. Well, I wouldn’t want to at least. I COULD do anything if I wanted too.
It ends up being about pain vs. pleasure. We either associate too much pain with giving something up, or we associate more pleasure by doing it.
For me, abstinence is much easier than moderation (e.g., it’s easier to fast than to diet; it’s easier to stop eating meat than to reduce it; etc.). This can be unfortunate at times, but I have a very addictive, OCD-ish personality.
Solid essay, Courtney. Thanks for posting.
Joshua Millburn
There comes a time that it is important if we have an addicted personality to say Just for today I will not drink , smoke, over eat , gamble , over spend. What ever our addiction is It is important to say Just for today I will not. Thirty days is easy but when we live one day at a time is when you are really looking at your self and making true decisions of how you want to live.
Just for today I choose to not drink or smoke. I am addicted to both and they have done nothing but harm my life. I can handle being around others that drink or smoke but prefer to be with those that do not. Last night we stayed at my brother in law’s taking care of cats. Sitting on the counter was a 12 pack of beer. Boy a beer would be nice but I never had a beer or a glass of wine, I had several of them often.
There is no such thing as control, that is just putting off what you know you should stop doing.
I do not know if this makes sense but just for today I choose to not drink, smoke, use a credit card and I pray that tomorrow is the same as today and I am thankful yesterday was a good day. Grace
God bless you , Grace, you’re an inspiration. I’ve always done the “give it up for 30 days” or “until I lose X pounds” diet, and it never works. I always blow it before the deadline. I haven’t tried “just for today,” because I guess that feels like admitting to having an addiction. Like you said, I’m just putting off what I know I should stop doing. So just for today, I’ll eat healthfully and moderately.
I think it is really important to highlight this crucial difference for addicted people. Sometimes we will try and create scenarios that prove we aren’t addicted when we are. I’ve known addicted people to completely give up x, y or z for a period of time — pregnancy, during travel, whatever — as a way of proving to themselves and everyone else that they have control, when they/we don’t. I’ve given up alcohol for months and years, but as soon as I start drinking again, I’m addicted again. There’s a huge difference between being addicted to something and being in a habit of mind that is detrimental to your life. e.g. for this exercise I might try giving up texting or checking my email more than once a day because I think those activities are a time suck for me. I try daily to give up alcohol and most days I succeed, but that’s a very different thing.
What a great article (as all of yours are!). I’ve thought about this a lot as well. I am a vegetarian and I remember 10 years ago thinking that I could NEVER give up hamburgers. I’ve had the same thing with coffee. I could NEVER give up my soy lattes. Sure enough I did. (Although I seem to have an on again/off again relationship with those as I can never fully give them up).
Anyhow, I think it’s pretty amazing what we can achieve if we commit to it. Now if I could just figure out the sugar thing…
Thanks for all of your wisdom, always inspiring!
Suzannah, I think sugar has to be the most socially acceptable addiction. I know how much better I feel without it, but it is tough to give up.
I feel a challenge coming up.
Sugar. As I read this article, I immediately thought of sugar. The holiday binge bled into January, into February, and now it’s April suddenly and I still crave mass quantities of sugar every day. Definitely taking the 30 day challenge for sugar!
Yes,sugar indeed! What is it with women and sugar? My friends and I have had this conversation time and again. I had never thought of sugar as being addictive but now I’m sure it is. It brings such pleasure but it is short lived and once you have the first bite, you want to keep that pleasure going so you (or I) keep needing another “fix”. Hmmmm–going to take a second look at the sugar I consume every day and begin to really think about it before I eat it.
Thanks for the insightful post, Courtney; I am checking out Joshua’s e-book. What do I need to give up? Indulgence of time….I am the best (worst) procrastinator – I could be doing so much if I just did stuff instead of thinking, reading, avoiding…and why do I avoid? A friend once told me, years ago, to stop thinking and start doing…and I still delay. So, a very different addiction, I think. If I truly want to follow a Rule of Life similar to St. Benedict’s, defined work is 8 hours a day; I can count my job hours but then I have other hours in which to “work” which I need to define. Wow – you really have me thinking now!
Ugh. I could not give up my computer/my iPhone for the next 30 days. I know this without a doubt. Without them, I am fairly isolated as I have a son with a disorder (potentially immune system issues, to boot). I am not always able to socialize with other adults and, as a SAHM, using the computer during naptime is often my only social outlet for the day (even the week, sometimes).
I did give up Facebook & the BabyCenter online forums because they were more of a time suck and source of aggravation. That has been going well so far!
http://couponloversunite.blogspot.com/2011/03/moderation-addicttion-and-when-to-say.html
I have shared and linked to your blog about my thoughts on this subject, visit if you like and thank you for sharing. I will have to check out the link for the book you talked about. grace
What an appropriate post!! I, too, have given up wine for Lent. It had been so easy to get carried away when one glass would spill over to two or more. Waking up feeling fuzzy was no longer fun. I feel that if I could give up something for 30 days then perhaps it would become a habit not to overindulge. Lent seemed like the right venue for me to begin. To be honest, I haven’t missed my nightly glass of wine. Thanks for a wonderful website!!
I appreciate your openness, Courtney! To answer the question: I never thought I could do without my morning cup (all right, cups) of coffee. Then, a few months ago, the coffeemaker at the L’Arche home nearby broke. Seeing this as an opportunity to try life without coffee and help my friends at the same time, I donated my coffeemaker and accessories. Since then, I’ve felt as though my energy is more my own. There’s less caffeine dependence (I drink a cup of green tea instead.) Now I can appreciate the occasional cup of (decaf) coffee, but not feel as though my world would stop without it. It’s a good feeling. Blessings as you continue in your 40 days!
Thanks Caroline, I don’t really like a cup of coffee, but love a nice espresso. I also really enjoy tea but could take or leave either. I know exactly what you mean about your energy being more your own. I much prefer natural energy over synthetic.
I really enjoyed this article, Courtney!
I’ve thought about what I couldn’t give up for 30 days before, and I’ve always been hard-pressed to find something. Sure, there are things that would be not very pleasant to do without (like a shower or reading for pleasure), but I could deal with it. No phone? No computer? Might feel archaic but I would get used to it.
I’ll probably stew on this more, but I honestly can’t think of anything to fill in that blank. Of course, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things I could use less of
One sentence really hit me: “I’ve also realized that how we feed our bodies and souls is usually an indication of what we think of ourselves.” That will feed my reflections for a while.
Thanks for this post!
Well I was going to go pour myself a glass of wine and read, but then I read this… smile.
Hubby and I gave up beer because we knew it would be tough, but not impossible. Honestly, though, I don’t miss it. There was once or twice that it would have tasted good with pizza or something else we were eating, but water was nice too.
I challenge myself regularly to give things up. I’ve gone a whole year without chocolate. I’ve given up all alcohol during both of my pregnancies. I’ve given up all dairy at other times (butter, cheese, milk, etc). It’s hard, but it’s good to do hard things.
Internet would be hard for me…it’s not hard when we travel because it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice, but to be in my home, unplugged for 30 days…that would be hard. Maybe I should try it.
Jill, Sorry if I ruined a glass of wine for you!
I never thought twice about not drinking when I was pregnant. I’ve given up dairy for months at a time, and while I’ve never gone back to drinking milk, I always find my way back to cheese.
I would love to hear about being unplugged for 30 days if you try it. Of course, you’ll have to call me or send me a letter to update me on the progress, but I’m good with that!
Wise words. All too often I think we perceive the change from being someone who enjoys something to being an addict as abrupt. As you say, there is “that place” in between where we begin to indulge a little too much. It’s a fuzzy line and I think it’s very easy to cross back and forth, often without realizing it. A 30 day challenge is a great way to reset and gain perspective.
I love this post and thanks for reframing that question. It is hard for me to give up going out to eat. I’ve given it up for months at a time and when I do I always feel great… but I also always go back. And its hard for me to moderate. I’m either eating like crap or cracking down on myself like no other. Still looking for that balance…
I also have an addictive personality. I would say my hardest thing to give up would be sugar. There are several items of food that I would be hard pressed to go 30 days without. I know I would be much healthier if I could do it…
I do have an occasional drink, and went thru a time where I kept wine at home, but I felt it was getting a little out of control during a very stressful time in my life, so I chose to only drink occasionally when we go out to dinner.
So, instead I keep the cookies in the house… I feel convicted as I hate to let something have so much control over me!
Great post Courtney and thanks for being transparent for all of us!
Bernice
Staying focused as a work-at-home mom
This Lent season, I am working on giving up in a different way; I am giving up my false sense of control (with regards to food safety/germ phobia), and giving up my desire to be right (with regards to arguments with my husband). These are the two huge impediments to my living a complete life, fully in joy.
Several years ago I gave up drinking for a month, after I’d gone a whole month of drinking at least one beer every day. I think I gave up smoking weed, too (I don’t smoke any more, but I did heavily at the time). I don’t remember if it made a change in my life or not! But I was not focused with any particular motivation or meditation at the time, so it may have just been an exercise to see if I could – and I could.
It’s very difficult to give up reflexive ways of thinking – reacting with fear, and selfishness, as I’m working on. But I recently came to know that all things are possible with God, so, I’m working and affirming every day, planning on being able to live fully in joy by Easter!
Wow! Liina, That is digging deep. Being that open to big change can only mean good things. Keep me posted.
VERY thought provoking! I love your solid, honest way of discussing things.
Very interesting! My answer to “I could never give up ____________ for 30 days” was sugar. But I have really bad allergies every spring and fall, and someone told me quitting sugar cured their allergies. The drugs I usually buy to take care of my allergies are pretty expensive, so I thought, what the heck? I’ve been wanting to cut out a lot of processed foods anyway, and sugar/high fructose corn syrup is in practically everything. Quitting sugar meant giving up cookies and candy (I have a huge sweet tooth!) but also my favorite cereal, crackers, spaghetti sauce, ranch dressing, almond butter, dry roasted sunflower seeds…
I thought it would be a huge pain the butt, if not impossible, but I tried it. To my surprise, like your experience, it hasn’t been that hard. I do eat honey because another folk remedy for allergies is to eat raw local honey, but I don’t really like the taste, so I don’t eat much of that. Otherwise, it’s mostly a matter of substitutions. I eat eggs or oatmeal (with honey, pecans, and banana) for breakfast, Triscuits instead of Wheat Thins, home-made spaghetti sauce and ranch dressing (who knew those were so easy to make!), etc.
I really can’t believe how effective it’s been for my allergies! It’s the height of tree pollen right now where I live, and it’s not bothering me at all. Normally this time of year, even if I was taking knock-off Claritin, it would barely take the edge off and I’d be fairly miserable.
As far as the sugar, I’ve intended to cut back many times but never really gotten anywhere. Going cold turkey is much easier than that ever was. I guess I suck at moderation! Seems like there’s something wrong there, but whatever. This seems to work, so I’ll take it.
Anyway, thanks for the insights! I enjoyed reading about your similar experience.
Cara, That does it! Sugar is next for me. Your positive experience is very inspiring! There is a cookbook out there somewhere called Baby Cakes that has lots of gluten free, vegan recipes, but I believe it is also baking with sugar substitutes like honey, agave and other natural sweeteners. You might want to check it out.
That said, I think I would do better with nothing sweet for at least two weeks to really let go of my cravings. (Then start baking!)
Thank you for your wise words and ability to share Courtney. I’m always inspired by your writing and this post particularly hits home. I recently gave up drinking alcohol for not one but two months. I’ve gone back to drinking now but have been wondering why. It gives me headaches, is expensive and just seems unnecessary. My life was actually better and fuller without it and I don’t seem to be able to stick to ‘just one glass’. I’m feeling it might be time to say ‘when’ and give it up completely, forever – which is a scary thought but maybe all the more reason to do it.
Thanks again for your words
Sally
Life Explored
Sally, I wonder if I will feel the same way after 40 days. I know exactly what you mean by being scared at the thought of giving it up forever, but why are we so scared of that?
Thank YOU for your wise words and ability to share.
I loved this post!! I too enjoy a glass of wine, do I think I am addicted. Of course not, but when it came to giving up something for lent…wine wasn’t an option. So maybe I am addicted? I gave up the cop put… sweets. Something that I think I consciously give up anyways come this time a year. I am really going to resonate on “I could never give up ____________ for 30 days”. My life is so hectic right now with everything I have going on that whatever I put in the blank will probably only give me extra energy, time or satisfaction with my life. Thanks Again. This was great!
I typed up a contract with myself and attached it to the bulletin board in my office.
Right now I’m curious if this time off from sugary/sodium packed processed foods would help break any cravings. Well….I guess I’ll see. Wish me luck!
I know it looks a little corny. But it’s just for me and it will be a challenge. I also attached a goal of knocking off six pounds over the next 30 days by adjusting my habits. I already work out a few times a week but cannot seem to get back down to my college weight. Maybe this blog will give me the direction I need to make those last adjustments. Well, here’s a copy of my contract enjoy
Contract with Self
THIS AGREEMENT made this 24th day of March, 2011, by myself
•Said party covenants and agrees that he shall:
o not consume any food or drink that could be considered “Junk Food” until 23APR11 at 11:59PM.
o Junk Food herein is to be defined as food that is high in calories/sodium but low in nutritional content.
•My goal is to have a body weight of 185 lbs or less on or before the goal date. Even if the goal weight is reached before 23APR11 at 11:59PM, I am still not allowed to consume any “Junk Food” before 23APR11 at 11:59PM.
The force of this agreement shall expire April 25th 2011 at 11:59 PM.
I don’t think this is corny at all. The promises you make to yourself are so important, why not put it in writing. I’d love to hear back from you after April 23rd and see how you did.
Excellent post, Courtney!
For me, the “couldn’t” do for 30 days is sugar. This remains true even though I’ve dropped refined sugar for a couple of weeks at a time in the past and experienced huge physical and mental benefits. Yup, it is a socially sanctioned addiction – and so, so very hard to resist.
Part of me says: oh, what’s the big deal? It’s harmless and enjoyable. It’s not like I’m unhealthy! I don’t smoke, drink coffee, or drink regularly! I run, I bike, I’m 99% vegetarian, I eat organic vegetables! Jeez. Pass the cookies.
The other part says: admit it, you’re addicted. Why not try the 30 day test?
Unfortunately, I’m going to Niagara Falls this weekend, so it doesn’t seem like an opportune moment to give up sugar for 30 days (fudge shops everywhere!). Sooooo…how about Monday?
(I think this is what they call the Bargaining Stage of grieving…)
take care,
Lisa
Thanks for your post!
In response to others’ comments, I don’t know that giving up sugar altogether is really a good thing. It’s one thing to give up something that is unnecessary (i.e. wine), but our bodies actually need sugar. Refined sugar might not be a necessity, but sugar itself is, and artificial sweeteners aren’t any better. I could never give up food for 30 days – and not because I’m addicted but because I need it to live. The same is true of sugar, I think.
Laura, you are the first person that I’ve heard mention that our bodies need sugar. I will have to research that a bit. I would never suggest someone give up food for 30 days, or even natural sugar from fruit, but I’m not convinced that sugar is any more necessary than wine.
I’m doing my Whole 30 this month. I’m cutting grains, dairy, legumes, alcohol, and sugar. Wish me strength.
http://whole9life.com/2010/12/whole30-2011/
Really great post. Thank you. This is genius:
“I’ve also realized that how we feed our bodies and souls is usually an indication of what we think of ourselves.”
Yes.