Why You Need to Ask Better Questions
“Never confuse movement with action.” Ernest Hemingway
When I received the email above, I thought about how someone like Heather could start something new when other people never do, even if they think they really want to.
In her email, Heather says, “I don’t know where to go from here.” and “I have a lot to figure out … ” She made a move before she had all the answers. She doesn’t have the answers, and she likely doesn’t have all the questions, but what she does have is:
Confidence.
She took action and developed confidence building momentum that will carry her through this time of uncertainty.
Clarity.
She is sleeping through the night for the first time in 8 years. She is putting her health first. She is identifying what is most important in her life.
Connection.
Heather and I don’t know each other, but by connecting to the Be More with Less community and message, she felt supported and strong enough to do something different.
We’ve been told that stupid questions don’t exist and all questions are good and productive. I respectfully disagree. Maybe stupid questions don’t exist, but I know we often ask the wrong questions.
When you ask the wrong questions at a pivotal time in your life, the answer is usually a complete waste of time. It’s natural to be introspective and think things through, but some questions offer the possibility of an answer that inspires action and others only deliver answers that slow you down, make you question your confidence and generally lead to inaction, complacency and comfort food.
Ask the right questions
If you are thinking about a career change …
Wrong question: Why did I wait so long to make a change?
Better question: What can I do right now to move forward?
If you are thinking about starting a new relationship …
Wrong question: Why would someone like that want to spend time with someone like me?
Better question: Do you want to take a walk with me?
If you are thinking about growing a community through a blog …
Wrong question: Will my writing/art/blog/work be good enough?
Right question: How can I help people?
If you are thinking about putting yourself out there and asking for help …
Wrong question: Do they even check their email or have time to respond?
Right question: How can I keep this email short and compelling?
Sometimes it’s easier to ask the wrong question. In fact, asking the wrong question can be comfortable, because the answer is a reminder that you aren’t ready. The wrong question will give you a perfectly good reason not to take a chance.
If the answer is …
- that’s crazy
- you are crazy
- you can’t do it
- you don’t know what you are talking about
- it will never happen
- you aren’t good enough
… it’s the wrong question.
Instead ask the right questions. Ask questions that encourage you to take the next step, meet people who have taken the steps before and to move forward without all of the answers or all of the questions.
You don’t know what you don’t know until you start. Direct your questions to the right now and not to the past or future. Dwelling on what you did or didn’t do over the past 10 years or worrying about what might happen in 10 years is only resistance to change.
What can you do right now to change, start, grow, learn and embrace possibility, opportunity and uncertainty?
I know first hand how powerful action is in the face of uncertainty is, but if you don’t believe me, ask Betsy & Warren or Britt or Chris or Scott. People are changing every day. Is today your day?
Do it. It’s awesome.
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17 Responses to “Why You Need to Ask Better Questions”
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I found myself in Heather’s position at one point in my life. I walked away from a career I’d spent over 15 years building and never looked back. I did it for my health and my sanity. I’ve never looked back.
For those of you that need a change – ask the right questions as Courtney has suggested and the answers will come.
Dan @ Zen Presence
Ha! “…inaction, complacency and comfort food.” The big three!
I’ve been there.
I’m having trouble describing the emotions you must be feeling, to realise the positive influence you are having on Heather.
You have responded with enlightening advice from the heart which is inspirational. Beautiful work Courtney.
Congrats Heather! I know you have a lot to figure out and I wish you the best of luck. Just one bit of advice to take or leave you can decide. Just follow your heart if you feel you need to move, find a different job that you love, travel the world, or go back to school listen to that little voice inside your head it is usually right and wont steer you wrong. Take care and I hope you find a way to let us know how things are working out for you.
Bravo, Heather and Courtney! Sometimes all we need is a little inspiration, and we can unchain ourselves from our wrong questions and thinking to take action. We are living proof it can be done. I was sitting on the couch mumbling and grumbling for ten years, until CJ and I said, “Enough! Today is the day we take action,” (or something like that – I am horrible with direct quotes). It has been one lovely little step at a time with some lucky leaps along the way, but it can be done. Great to see Heather getting it done!
It is so good to hear someone else moving away from the drudgery of an unfulfilled, meaningless life, to the bounty of a life full of meaning. It is so brave of Heather to take the bull by the horns and going through with the decision without a glance back. We all want to know exactly how everything is going to end up. We want to know the end-result before taking a step forward. It is great to see an individual who took a step forward into the abyss without wondering where it would take her. Trusting in the universe that everything will turn out fine.
Hi, Courtney. It turns out your soul is worth more than anything you could make! Bravo to Heather for choosing joy over money/status. You are an inspiration to people striving to live a more genuine life, and I’m so happy to be in your orbit. Thanks for the very kind mention today.
Wow! I read all of your posts, but this post hits home for me today! It’s not a job that I need to leave, but a relationship that I’ve been holding onto like a security blanket for too many years. I told my mate yesterday that it was over (Yes, on Valentine’s Day!)I couldn’t wait one more day to declare my freedom. And just before I received this post, he told me to my face…”you’re making a mistake, your son [his "stepchild", age 12] will never get over this, you will never make it without me, you have it so good with me”, etc. Yes, he has been good to me and my child, providing a home, vacations, and endless things. But it’s all just “stuff” and it gets old quickly. The big house, the gadgets, social commitments, the endless businesses he owns sucking the life out of all of us. The stress has taken a huge toll on my health and something had to change. I have been reading anything inspirational that I can find for months trying to get the confidence to move on. I finally got it and this post was a nice seal on my inner deal! Thank you for your blog posts, each any every one of them!
HEAR HEATHER ROAR. heather is a cliff diver. after the first, none are scary. by then actually not to much is scary. just because you quit your job that does not mean you are going to make less money. it doesn’t mean your next job will better. what it does mean is that you know how to quit without fear. you are now free. billy
Congrats Heather! That is awesome and insiring. My husband made that big leap this year and left his teaching job to be a freelance musician. I am guilty of asking the wrong questions, and still question where I want to go. Thanks for the inspiration!
Kate
“How can I help people?” Yes, thank you. This post really spoke to me.
I’m making a similar decision right now and it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Thanks for the inspiration!
I had an experience just yesterday regarding asking the right question. I wanted a particular responsibly at work, but thought I would get shut down. I dabbed in it a few times, but it was never really mine. I did some work behind the scenes to get me ready – I just had to get the okay from the coordinator. When she brought up the situation again, I told her I would take it on if she was okay with it. She said definitely and even told me that it would be less work for her. It almost seemed like she was hoping I wanted to. It wouldn’t have happened at all if I didn’t ask the right question.
What a great post, and what a beautiful community you have created, Courtney! The timing of this is so perfect, as I will be leaving my job in 3 months. I printed this post, which is going up on the bulletin board. The questions will be asked daily…thank you!
HI y’all…I am the “Heather” in the post. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This means so much to me. It has made my spirit soar!!!!!!!!!
This sentence really stood out to me.
“You don’t know what you don’t know until you start.”
I feel like I was dwelling and trying to delay things in my life. I always felt the fear… I still do. But I realized sometimes you do need to take action. It eliminated the what if and you get to start moving!
Keep up the great advice!
Love your blog.