Being Busy is Not That Important
When did “how are you?” become an invitation to tell everyone how busy you are?
Even though “how are you?” looks like a question, it has really just become a standard greeting with a few standard answers.
Responses for “How are you?” are some variation of:
- Good, how are you
- Good, but busy
- Don’t ask
- Oh, you know, keeping my head above water
- So busy
- Just busy
- Really Busy
If you greet a child with “how are you?”, they will tell you how they are and why or what they are doing and assume that you are genuinely interested. Their answer to “how are you?” will be something like, “I’m good and I am building this enormous tree out of Legos and my mom is making grilled cheese for lunch and then we are going….”
There are two general problems with way “How are you?” has evolved.
- It is rarely asked with sincerity. Because it is part of our standard greeting, we are unprepared and often uninterested in dealing with any answer other than one of the responses above.
- The answer often sets the tone for your day (and generally, it is not positive). Do you know someone who is always busy. Maybe that person is you. It’s been me before. I know people who think they have been busy their whole lives and they only reinforce that by answering “so busy”. Perhaps they are so busy thinking about how busy they are, that they don’t get anything done and stay in this perpetual state of busyness.
The solutions
- Be genuine when asking. Ask the question thoughtfully and be interested in the response.
- Lie when answering. Answer the question in the way that you want to spend the rest of your day. While I think honesty and integrity are very important qualities, in this case, if someone asks you how you are, and you are running late and wondering how you are going to make it through the day, just say, “I am doing great” or “Great, I have a long lunch planned” or something like that. See if by answering the way you want to be, instead of how you think you are, will change your outlook.
- Rephrase the question. Instead of “How are you?” try, “Are you having a good day?” or don’t make it a question at all. “Hi, it’s good to see you!”. I’ve been trying, “Great to see you. Wow, you look so relaxed”. When someone thinks they looked relaxed, they don’t try to look/be/feel so rushed and busy.
The one way we can change this daily greeting exchange into something more positive and productive is to stop wearing the “Busy” badge. We wear the “I’m so busy and overworked” badge like it is a gold medal. Somehow, we got confused and started thinking that always being busy is impressive. Little did we know that “being busy” doesn’t mean shit. It doesn’t mean that we are getting anything done and it certainly doesn’t mean that our lives are getting better and happier. Not knowing when your next break is happening is not impressive, it is sad. Over committing is not impressive, it is stressful. Skipping meals because you are so busy is not impressive, it is unhealthy. Until you can get to a place where you can answer the question “how are you?” with anything but “so busy”, try out something like, “busy but making changes so I can slow down”.
How you answer “how are you?” internally, may open some doors for you in discovering the changes you want to make in your life. If you’ve ever silently answered, “I’d be great if I wasn’t working so much” or “…didn’t have to catch up on housecleaning over the weekend” or “…could spend more time creating” “…had a dog”, then you know what you want. Next step – figure out how to get there.
So, how are you? How could you be better?
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51 Responses to “Being Busy is Not That Important”
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Great stuff, Courtney.
I love the approach of telling a friend how relaxed he/she looks. Who doesn’t feel stressed and want to hear that?
I’m a huge believer in the power of transformational vocabulary (picked that up from Tony Robbins). If you want to reduce your discomfort in any situation, use words that minimize it. If it’s miserably hot out, say aloud, “It’s a little warm out, but not too bad”. Robbins uses an example of being absolutely furious but describing it as “a little peeved”. It has real power to change how you feel.
Sincerely enjoyed this.
Mark Savage
Mark, I never heard the phrase “transformational vocabulary), but I love it! Can’t wait to put it to the test.
Quite agree Courtney. The ‘how are you’ epidemic is spreading. It’s rarely meant as it’s usually a pre-cursor to finding out what someone is up to or for the enquirer to ask for something behind the feigned interest. I wonder what will eventually take it’s place? ‘What have you been up to?’ ‘Tell me something?’. God knows but so long as it’s a bit more honest and real then it has to be better. Superduper simple post and now I can’t wait for the next person to call me!!!
John, You have to comment back with some of your conversations today and let me know if anything changed!
As requested Courtney – two people said the same thing today, “How have you been?” not “How are you” now? So it got me thinking as both these are popular, should we say, “How will you be?”.
Ooooo, and don’t you know, there are some people we know that we simply do NOT ask how they are doing because we hear a list of negatives?! I don’t want to become one of them! Positive words equal positive attitudes. Thanks for reminding me, Courtney!
Good point Meg! If people stop asking you how you are…time to wonder why!
This post is fantastic. You’ve articulated so well something that has eluded me. For years, I felt I had to be busy, filling up every moment with some kind of work. When my life changed drastically, leaving me with a stronger feeling of serenity, I changed my busy ways. Now I’m a college professor with a flexible schedule, and I do not fill up my periods of time off with busyness. I’ve often felt angry when others dismiss my hard-earned non-busyness as the result of not having kids or a “real” job, or more ambition, or…whatever other alarming things have been said. Your post makes me think that instead of defending my life, I should just use more positive language. Thank you!
“hard-earned non-busyness” – great phrase. Some may measure us by all we “get done” in a day, but it’s really about the kind of person we were that day.
Great insights here, Courtney! This is something that crosses my mind quite a bit when running into people, especially at work. It’s super awkward when you ask someone, “how’s it going?” and they just say “hi,” or worse, nothing at all, in return! Because of this, I’ve kind of gotten out of habit of asking, but hadn’t found a suitable replacement. I like your suggestion, “good to see you!” I think I’ll start giving that a try.
I’m also guilty of the standard response “Good. You?” It always feels kind of fake and silly, but as you pointed out, people typically aren’t looking for in-depth responses. I’m thinking, “I’m great, it’s good to see you!” might also work as a good response.
Thanks!!
Ayah,
At the very least, your change in response will make people think about the exchange. It will be interesting to see if people start greeting you differently!
When I see people in the hallway at work they always seem to say “Hi Amy, how are you?” I suppose that is not a bad thing if their intention is to stop walking and engage in a conversation with me. But they usually keep right on walking and I barely have time to utter a “fine” before they’ve passed me right on by. Very annoying!
So don’t ask someone “how are you?” unless you really want to know the answer. If you don’t want to stop and talk to someone, then just say “Hi (insert their name here)” and keep on going. There’s nothing wrong with that!
Great post Courtney. I enjoyed it!
Thanks Amy. I agree. It’s ok to say Hi in passing without engaging in a conversation. In fact, there are some areas in the south where you can’t walk down the street without total strangers saying, “Hey”!
Hi,
Just found your blog and LOVE it!!! I also LOVE this post.
I’m like you, I do not think our value is based on how busy we are or think we are.
~~ Life is too precious for everyone to be so busy ~~
Blessings to you,
Cathy
Thanks Cathy. Thank you so much for your compliment. How did you find me?
Hi Courtney,
I found your blog through reading “Becoming Minimalist”. He mentioned you on his blog.
I’m very glad I did find it too….it’s wonderful.
Look forward to the posts you share with us…thank you!!!
Blessings,
Cathy
It’s funny you write this post. When people ask me the “How are you?” question I usually always answer how I’m generally feeling. It’s funny because people generally aren’t used to somebody actually answering the question and not just making pleasantries. I have found that over time the people who actually care will continue to ask but those who didn’t, won’t because they know it might not be the 5 standard answers your wrote above.
Reggie, I think that proves my point! People (in general) don’t want to know how you “really are”! I think that most really do care, but because they haven’t carved out time at that moment to have a conversation, they move on. Another argument for being less busy!
Hi Courtney, Glad I learned about this post on Twitter. Love it! People wearing the “Busy” badge like a gold medal–that’s been on my pet peeves list for a long time. I’ll be back to read more later when I’m not so busy (just kidding!).
Ha! Too funny Jean. I used to wear the busy badge so I can clearly identify it now. It’s so prevalent now that instead of being annoyed, it makes me a little sad.
How am I? Busy. No shit. But from now on, I’m going to stop telling everyone about it and start saying no to stuff. What’s up with me? Thanks for kicking my ass, Courtney. You rock.
Katie – You rock! Remember there is a big difference between “being busy” and meaningful work. You are out there learning, teaching and “Momentum Gathering” – and that is all amazing!
I fear I may have become one of those busy busy badge wearers. In fact I know I have. Time to put the transformational vocabulary to work, answer with some sincerity and ask with meaning. Thanks for the reminder xx
Lotta, It might also be time to stop doing so much! Take a break – YOU deserve it.
I have to admit, when someone always answers me with an “I am so busy” response I start to wonder about the quality of their life. If my answer was almost always busy, busy, busy I would start making some changes asap. I know some people who seem to use the phrase too as a form of bragging. Really cool post. I can’t wait for someone to ask me how I am. *lol*
I think sometimes it starts as bragging and then turns into the way people identify themselves regardless of what they actually do. When we start answering “so busy” on auto pilot, there is a bigger problem!
Courtney,
I just found your post on Zen Habits and came over to visit. It was funny to see this title of your post as I recently posted about basically the same thing! http://bernicewood.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/busy-a-badge-of-honor/
I also like the fact the your title of your blog is Be More with Less. So many people in America right now want to know how to DO more with less. I, myself, am on a quest to just learn how to BE, and not have to DO all the time.
I will definitely bookmark and be back!
Bernice
Thanks Bernice! I will check out your blog this weekend.
Hello Courtney,
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
In these days I thought exactly the same! Everytime when I ask some “How are you!” (and we in Germany do that even more often as you, because it is a big part of our slang!) I get “I am totally stressed, because of …!” or something else what shall show me, that I am totally wrong in my way of living!
But I am the calmed down one. I have one inbox and I have priorities. I am not forced to do everything at the same time! And because of that I am not as stressed as my each other.
So life could be so much easier if everyone not try to impress everybody else by beeing so stressed!
For me personally I am more impressed when I met a person totally quite and not stressed, because I want to know who he/she is doing that!
thank you again for this great post!
Matthias
Matthias,
Thanks for your great feedback. This seems to be an international issue, not just exclusive to the USA! I agree, being stressed is not impressive. Have a great weekend!
Thank you,
same to you!
Your speaking my language Courtney.
Have you noticed that people often ask and answer the question in one, How are you? Busy?
Being busy is worn as a badge of honour by many now.
I have banished the word busy from my vocabulary. Being busy to me means rushing, not thinking about what is important, missing things and not living a mindful life. Instead I live a fulfilling life….where I am responsible for what I fill my life with and how full it is. A fullfilling life is where what you are doing is in line with what you want from life, your life choices, responsibilities, values and desires.
When people ask me How are you? Busy? I tend to be upfront (this is the type of person I am) & respond with a light tone….busy no, I don’t live a busy life but a lot of interesting things have been happening and ………it does shift the focus of the conversation.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.
I REALLY liked
“Little did we know that “being busy” doesn’t mean shit. It doesn’t mean that we are getting anything done and it certainly doesn’t mean that our lives are getting better and happier. Not knowing when your next break is happening is not impressive, it is sad.”
Love your work, keep it up!
Thank you for making dayly business so simple and reflect, that there are things which are very simple but important.
But a reason for these answer is, that perhaps the person is afraid to get more work? So I think it is diffrent way to ask it on a privat or a business way! Or?
But I will reflect on myself when I will be asked the next time “How are you?”, what is my personal answer?
thank you for that!