How to Say Goodbye to Guilt
The very first thing you have to do to say goodbye to guilt is determine if you are actually guilty. Usually guilt is not guilt at all, but instead it’s sadness that you couldn’t do more to help, disappointment that you didn’t achieve something you set out to do, or anger because you said “yes” to something that deserved a “no”.
For example, as a parent, you might think you feel guilty because something didn’t happen the way you imagined for your children. That isn’t guilt unless you have really done something to prevent your child from living their own life.
Usually guilt comes from not doing something instead of doing something wrong.
When you do something because you feel guilty not doing that something, no one wins. You aren’t happy, which means you aren’t really present or giving your all. The project or action suffers, your partners suffer and you’ve completely overlooked the greater good.
You may feel badly that you are not participating, but worse if you do.
Instead of acting out of guilt and obligation …
- do something that moves you
- do something that calls you
- do something that you want to do
- do something that makes your heart sing
There will always be little tasks that you might not completely enjoy. I don’t love grocery shopping, but I need to eat and feed my family. I don’t love running errands, but sometimes I have to go the bank, or drop my daughter off somewhere.
While you may have responsibilities that must be attended to, there are plenty of things you do that could be avoided with this simple strategy:
Say no thank you.
No thank you requires no explanation, or further waste of your time. While some things may need further consideration, you usually know if you want to participate in something or not.
Give in to guilt and say goodbye to:
- Time. Give your time to someone that you don’t want to be with or to an organization that you don’t care about by stealing time from your favorite people and projects.
- Energy. If you are low on energy, consider the fact that what you are doing is not feeding your heart and soul. If you are working on a project that you feel passionate about, you will feel passion. If you working on a project that you feel miserable about, you will feel miserable.
- Money. Have you ever made a purchase out of guilt? She bought me that, so I should buy her that. We are going there for a party so we should by them this. I treated him poorly so I should buy him one of those. They might not know how much we love them, so let’s get them this. Stop it. Your presents don’t equal love. Your presence does.
- Peace of Mind. Acting out of guilt might bring you temporary relief, but it will never deliver peace of mind. Unease, yes. Peace, no.
- Real joy. If you are spending your resources doing something out of guilt, you miss an opportunity to do something you love, something that makes your heart swell, something that will bring you and the world real joy. Do not miss out on real joy. It’s amazing.
Maybe you are guilty about something that’s already happened or something you could have done differently. I think we’ve all experienced that feeling before. When you start to think about that instance, please remember:
- you cannot change what’s already happened
- you aren’t perfect
- you are loved anyway
- you can give yourself a second chance
- the energy you are spending on what happened yesterday is robbing the energy you have for today
- you can still apologize
- you can choose to change anytime
Guilt is a feeling that you’ve done something wrong or let someone down. When you preserve your time for your most important work and the most important people in your life and the things that mean the most to you, then you can say goodbye to guilt.
What makes you feel guilty? Release your guilt in the comment section and move on to real joy.
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15 Responses to “How to Say Goodbye to Guilt”
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My problem is that I feel GUILTY for almost EVERY choice I make. No joke. I rarely, if ever, do anything I like because I feel immense, crippling guilt for taking time for myself. It’s one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t with me. I’m trying to let go of that constant feeling of guilt, but I have 25 years of it, so it’s a long, tedious process. I can’t imagine living a guilt-free life–it’s all I know!
It doesn’t sound like the guilt is helping you make better choices, or making you happier. I would suggest doing a trial period of no guilt. For 3 – 5 days, decide that anytime you feel guilty, you are going to do 10 jumping jacks + 5 push ups instead. I know it sounds crazy, but will you try it and let me know what happens?
I think it’s hard because since it’s almost engrained in my personality, when I try to relieve the guilt, I just feel too devious. I end up feeling worse about myself in the long run. Make sense?
I understand. With that said, I hope you will give my suggestion a try. We all have things to overcome. Hopefully this will help you!
MMommi – the very same case was with me. I was brought up as the eldest daughter, of whom a lot was expected (even if these exprectations were not voiced directly). Finally, these expectations became so engrained in me that I started punishing myself with feelings of guilt and inpropriateness for almost every chjoice I made. (Of course, that’s a large simplification, but it (has) worked more or less like this.)
Luckily, at 22, I landed at a psychotherapy – and God, in just under 5 years it made wonders. Maybe this is a route for you?
For me, guilt can be a sign that I’m feeling responsible for someone else’s problem – that I haven’t done enough – need to do more. I used to think guilt was a good sign – a sign that I’m making progress with boundaries. But, now I know that it is a sign I have to let something go. Get okay with others finding their own way, with having struggles, with finding their own answers, falling and soaring.
Then,there is the guilt that motivates me, when I’ve stepped out of line with what I am working on. As long as the guilt doesn’t turn into shame (that yucky stuff where you believe you are your mistakes) – then I can use it to move me forward.
Thought provoking post – I hadn’t thought about how there are many kinds of guilt – stirring a post in me…
Okay, this post brought me to tears. Now some soul-searching to figure out why.
Very specifically, I feel guilty about my relationship with my younger sister. Growing up there was always tension because we are very different people. She decided I had a “blessed” existence and was angry about that.
I’ve never stopped feeling guilty about that, and as we’ve gotten older and grown closer that guilt has become more acute, as I see her struggle with health issues.
None of that is my doing, I know, and her perception of my life as being blessed is just that – her perception, not reality. All I can do is be there, be supportive and not take criticism personally, because I know it’s coming from a point of frustration.
Guilt has probably prevented me from being fully supportive, so let’s say that ends now. Thanks, Courtney.
I liked “Your presents don’t equal love. Your presence does.” All too often people attempt to buy love with gifts, or offer a present as an apology for their absence.
Skidoosh!!! Cheers to no guilt!
This makes my tears flow but yet it makes me have new strength because im not perfect and still i can chose to change anytime.
I am adopted and the family that raised me is Mormon, LDS (very high expectations). And growing up if I ever did something that they were dissapointed or weren’t their values I would feel so guilty about everything and like I was a huge dissapointment to them, and I should be someone they are proud of so do everything they tell me to do. But now I am moved out and it’s gotten even harder then ever, I can’t allow myself to be happy because I still think they are in control of me and I need to make them happy, I feel so guilty all the time and almost just want no contact with them. What do I do?
Emily, that is such a personal decision. I think you know what the right thing to do is for your ultimate health and happiness. Is there a way to limit contact or set a time once a week where you call to say hello and then excuse yourself from the call if it gets to rough? This is your one and only life. Do what makes you the best person to be around. Do what makes you live, love, and contribute in the best possible way.