How to Stop Killing Dreams
You may be goal oriented, very friendly and even a dreamer but chances are, despite having all of these great qualities, you are a dream killer. You might kill your child’s dreams, your lover’s dreams and the worst offense of all, you kill your own dreams. Instead of feeding your dreams, you shut them up with fear and dismissal.
It is not really surprising that you squash dreams on a regular basis. You grew up with people killing your dreams. You may not have recognized that your parents, and other people that loved you, were killing your dreams, because they led you to believe that they supported your every whim. They told you you could be whatever you wanted to be. They told you, that when you grew up you could do what you wanted and be the person you dreamed about.
When you expressed your dream of being an astronaut or an actress on Broadway, you may have noticed some strange looks, a raise of an eyebrow or pursed lips. Maybe it was a heavy sigh or even a quizzical, “Oh Really?”. That was the beginning of the mass murders of your dreams.
The ironic part, is that while your parents were killing your dreams, they only wanted the best for you. They started planting seeds about what would be best early on. Of course, you could do and be what you want, but it is probably better to play sports, get good grades, go to a good school, get a good job, wife, house, kids, dog, 401K, WHOA! By the time you come up for air, and by the time you said WHOA, you were knee deep in debt, working extra hours to keep up, surrounded by a big house full of stuff you don’t want, not sleeping great, and all because you are living the dream. Who’s dream was this anyway?
While your parents wanted the best for you, it is very possible that their definition of “best” was a little twisted. It is even more possible that they only had one definition of “best” You see, they wanted you to have MORE than them. More house, more stuff, more money, more travel, more, more more. Before your parents showed you the way, their parents showed them. After all that brainwashing (with the best intentions) you may not know what’s best either. If you go from “It would be great to…” to “but in reality…” or “I would love it if I could….” to “What am I thinking? I don’t have time for that”, Then you my friend, are a dream killer too.
Like most everything, transitioning from a dream killer to a dream maker starts with awareness. You have to be aware of where you are, where you want to be and why you’ve never taken the steps to get there. If you plan on staying in a bad relationship, bad work environment, a house that you can’t afford or a life that exhausts you, then you have forgotten how to dream. It’s hard to say what’s worse, killing dreams or not dreaming at all. The good news is that it is never to late to dream and dead dreams, can be revived.
Three easy steps to start dreaming again:
- Write it down. Make a list of all of your dreams. Do not censor this list. Go crazy! Dreams can include easy stuff like, “I want to have a short funky haircut” or “I want to grow an herb garden in my kitchen” to “I want to move to Spain and work for myself” and everything in between. If you can’t fill an entire piece of paper, than your life is perfect or you need inspiration and permission to dream. Here is your permission: Do it. It is your responsibility to define what “best” means to you and go after it. Do not waste your life living a life that you did not intend to live. For inspiration, go for a walk, lay down in the grass and look up, draw a picture, cook a beautiful meal. Connect with dream makers (see my list below). Do something different.
- Make a dream come true. Circle three things on your list that you can accomplish in the next week, and do them.
- Pick a big dream. Use the momentum from living three of your dreams, and circle three big ones. Yes, even that one that you think you can never bring to life. Now that you have three big dreams, here comes the tough part. Choose one. Choose the one that makes your heart smile. Write it down on a separate piece of paper and tape it to your mirror in the bathroom, or somewhere you can see it everyday.
That’s it. With those three steps, you have started the transition. We will start bringing your big dream to life soon. (and then the one after that and the one after that). In the meantime, when you start to dream or hear someone else dreaming, instead of jumping to the objections, revel in the possibility.
For more inspiration, check out these amazing dream makers. Their dreams may be different than yours, but their actions will inspire you to move forward. Read their blogs, follow them on twitter, learn from them. I do!
Dan Goodwin – A Big Creative Yes @coachcreative
Genny Ross-Barons – The Roatan Vortex @roatanvortex
Mary Jaksch – Goodlife Zen @Mary_Jaksch
Chris Guillebeau – The Art of Non-Conformity @chrisguillebeau
Tammy Strobel – Rowdy Kittens @RowdyKittens
Karol Gajda -Ridiculously Extraordinary @KarolGajda
Everett Bogue - Far Beyond The Stars @evbogue
Leo Babauta – Zen Habits @zen_habits
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Awesome, awesome post, Courtney. This one hits home — especially as my parents are up from Florida visiting this week (that just tends to make too many things bubble back up to the surface…)!
As a parent of three little ones, I’m keenly aware of how subtle the difference can be between being a ‘dream killer’ or a ‘dream maker’ for them — a word here, a word there; a tone just too far over the edge; one missed opportunity to acknowledge a small accomplishment of theirs.
I hope that I am able to leverage my awareness of redefining my life to help them not take the same steps I (and so many of us) have — unless they consciously choose to do that after weighing their options.
My big dream: Create a new career that allows me to take an entire year off with my family and travel to every major national park in the U.S. — living as simply as we can along the way.
Fantastic list of A-list bloggers. Lots to learn from all of them. Be well!
Bill, I think in most cases dream killers don’t do it maliciously, just out of habit. I am thrilled to hear about your BIG DREAM! Let me know if you want to brainstorm. Congrats on identifying your dream. Now go get it!
Hey Courtney,
I always look forward to a posting from you showing up in my in-box. Imagine my surprise when I saw my name and site.
Thanks for including me on your list, I truly feel honored! I checked out the others, some I already know and follow, but a few were new to me. Thanks to your list I’ve added some new cyberspace friends that are all sharing the message…YOU can have a great life with a whole lot less stuff!
Genny, You are an inspiration to me and I am happy to share that. Can’t wait to learn more about your journey.
So true! I think we all need to be more conscious of how we respond to others dreams but going for our own is paramount. And going for them now, not when I am more financially secure, when I am married, when the kids leave home or whatever excuse we use. In the words of Nike, just do it!
Kate, having that awareness is the hard part. Knowing that you get to create your life, your way is really exciting!
Courtney – thanks for the link love! Beautiful post.
Of course Tammy! Thanks for making me think about this.
Love this post, so much. It’s sad, but I think most people in this country are used to killing dreams and it’s considered responsible to do so.
Also, it’s really annoying when people automatically assume that I’m going to teach because I majored in English. I want to write. (Cue the rolling eyes and knowing nod.)
Wahoooo… and a writer is born. Congrats McKella.
Beautiful post, Courtney! I love the way you explain how our loved ones, while having the best intentions in mind, can actually be killing our dreams.
When I grabbed life by the horns and decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a nomad, it was the very fact that I felt my dream breathing its last breath that made me take action… after being suffocated for so many years, it was finally giving up.
So I jumped in the deep end of the unknown, with zero safety net and no backup plan. All that mattered was that I was making it happen.
Now, after spending six months living my dream, I’ve discovered a calling, purpose, and direction that I probably would’ve never found otherwise. My life feels so complete and I feel so content. Everything just seems to be falling into place, as if it was all pre-planned.
Even other childhood dreams are now coming true: I’ve always loved astronomy and watching a Space Shuttle Launch in person has been something I’ve wanted to do since I was a little boy. Two weeks before my return to the US, I won a ticket to the NASA Tweetup where I’ll get to talk to astronauts, get a free tour of the Kennedy Space Center, and yes, I’ll even get to watch the final launch of Space Shuttle Discovery (quite possibly the last Shuttle Launch ever, as they’re retiring the shuttles).
Give the universe unrestricted access to make your dreams come true and it will take care of the rest!
Raam, You are such an inspiration. I was so excited to hear about you winning a ticket to the Shuttle Launch. You are so deserving of this very cool opportunity.
Also – I noticed in your last enews that you are from NH. Me too!
It almost seems as though you have been writing the past few topics directly to us. We are parents by the way and we have started the journey to dream full-fillment. We are making an offer on a casa in Italy. Not the place we started but the place we have fell in love with. It is in an old hilltop village with the cucina and the camera on the same floor, a living room on the 2nd floor with a 20×20 terrazzo out the door. The view is of the world and there is another terrazzo on top of the living room. A better view of the world? I think so. The best part, there is room for our children to vist and do the dream thing with no eyes rolling. Thanks for a fantastic post
George (d)
Can’t wait to dream with you in Italy. Thanks for inspiring my dreams and supporting them as they change and grow. You really are great parents.
I meant to do this awhile ago (a trait of myself that I’m working on), but I just wanted to thank you so much for this post.
It really resonated with me and I loved the fact that you gave three concrete ways to get started. I really appreciate it when people provide tools on their blogs on how to start acting on what they really want to do and you nailed this!
I wrote down my dreams (I really enjoyed this part) and have started on the second step. I can’t wait to start on the third step!
Thank you so much for this and I hope to see more posts like this in the future. I can’t wait to check out your archives, too
With love from Minneapolis,
Kim
Kim – I am working on the next steps and will be sharing soon. Thanks for your great feedback. It means so much!
Thank you so much for this post! It’s really made me see how, over time, my dreams have been inadvertently killed by some of the people closest to me. And, worse, that I might unknowingly be doing the same to other people.
I’ve just discovered your blog and I am really enjoying all of it; it’s all so inspiring! But this post particularly resonates. And I can’t wait to start dreaming again, so thanks for your tips on how to get re-started.
Keep up the fabulous work
The Tea Fairy
A great post. I am currently looking for different views on authentic happiness and here�s one great article about it: http://www.hannupirila.com/How-to-Find-Authentic-Happiness.php