Micro Strategies to Eradicate Your Negative Reactions
Imagine this: You are on your way home and you stop at the grocery store to pick up ONE thing. You are already running behind, but you know stopping for this one thing will only take one second. You find a great parking space, run into the store, notice your favorite song is playing, grab your one item with a big smile and head to the express line.
This is where things fall apart. The customer in front of you has far exceeded the express line max number of items AND … she just pulled out her checkbook. Your smile fades and obscenities start to run through your mind. Now, assuming you are a civilized human being, you don’t say a word, out loud. Instead you roll your eyes, put a hand on a hip, check your phone, shoot the clerk a glance and think about paying for her groceries so she can stop looking for a pen to write a check. By the time you check out, you are really late, really frustrated and getting ready to bring that bad attitude home.
Other things that might shut down your smile
- distracted drivers
- long-winded voice mail
- political advertisements
- bad weather
- junk mail
Maybe you even react negatively to your negative reaction. Sounds crazy, but how often do you beat yourself up for getting frustrated in the first place?
Even if you are the nicest person on the planet, things come up during the day that trigger negative reactions. I am hardwired to react negatively to bad customer service, cell yell and drivers that don’t use their turn signals. In fact, until recently, I didn’t think I had any control over my reaction to these seemingly little things.
We are all prone to react negatively when we are hurt, wronged, or even mildly annoyed (especially when hungry, tired, stressed…) In other words, it happens every day.
It’s a well-known fact that we can’t predict or control what happens to us or what other people do, but we can choose to react more positively and the following 2 strategies will help. In fact, I think they might be our only hope to avoid not only negative reactions, but the negative spiral that often follows.
Two Micro Strategies to Combat Negativity
1. Do Something
This strategy isn’t about the actual doing part, but more the deciding part. If there is something you can do that will resolve things, make a decision to do that something. With the example above, instead of sending death glares into the back of the woman’s head that was asking, “Who should I make this check out to?” You could have done something. The best solution would have been to move to a new aisle or checked to see if there was a customer service desk that could accommodate you and your one item. You could also have picked up the magazine in the check out stand with the weirdest headline and thought about how that crazy story was even more ridiculous than the one you were living in line.
Write a letter, make a call, remove yourself from the situation. Take immediate action when you can or resolve to take the next step at a better time. Just the decision to take action will stop or slow a negative reaction.
2. Send it down the river
I recently started a new meditation practice (again). Actually, it started as a “just sit still” practice and has morphed into meditation. One of the ways I meditate is strategy #2 to stop negativity.
When a situation comes up and you can’t do anything about it, or have quickly decided that you won’t do anything about it, simply send it down the river. My biggest obstacle in meditating was all the thoughts running through my mind, not to mention the noises I noticed around me. For the longest time I thought that meditating meant not noticing those things and having a completely quiet mind. Instead, I learned that it’s ok (and almost impossible not to) be aware of what is going on around and in you when you are sitting still in a quiet space.
The trick is not to hold on to what you notice. To effectively let go of outside noises and inside thoughts, I imagine myself sitting by a river. Every time I notice something new, I toss it in the river and send it away. Inevitably a new thought pops up, but as soon as it does, I send it down the river.
You can send daily frustrations down the river too. If you aren’t going to do something about it, instead of holding on to check writers, bad drivers, annoying email messages or anything that brings you down, send it down the river. Before you start your day, imagine your place by the river so you can quickly go there during the day.
- what’s the weather like?
- are you sitting on a rock or sand?
- is the river wide or narrow?
- Is the water running fast or slow?
Once you get comfortable sending daily roadblocks down the river, you can send bigger things like fear and worry. The river can handle it and you can get back to living a good life.
Remember that your reactions are habit, and you can’t break that habit without a good strategy. Implement one of the above recommendations or create your own.
What would you like to send down the river right now?
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18 Responses to “Micro Strategies to Eradicate Your Negative Reactions”
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Hmmmm… you know, I can’t help but think that the real problem here doesn’t have anything to do with our reactions to little annoyances, it’s that it this crazy society of ours everybody seems to live their entire lives on the hairy edge of insanity in the first place. It just seems like people are always in a hurry, and that’s 90 percent of the problem. Of course, the real reason we’re always in a hurry isn’t because we really have too much to do, it’s because hurrying is a convenient way for us to escape from uncomfortable emotions, and that seems to be our national strategy for dealing with life.
I’m not saying I’m immune from all this… I’ve spent my fair share of time yelling at the microwave – but the solution for me has been to go to the heart of the matter and deal with the underlying emotions. It’s just sooooo much easier to get your panties in a wad about the idiot drivers or power mad politicians than it is to deal with feelings like my mother didn’t love me, or I’m not good enough, or I’m attracted to the wrong people, or my husband is cheating on me, or whatever deep seeded things you might be running away from.
Just my two cents worth…
Yes. This idea about how we live our lives I think is spot on, and it really meshes well with Courtney’s #2: Send it Down the River. If you know that the things that make you mad are actually not important, and you just feel like you need to rush when there really isn’t a rush, it’s much easier to forget about it and ‘send it down the river’.
And yes, EcoCatLady, we don’t reflect that much, do we? I have been guilty of that over the past year and a half and I feel like that’s where a lot of my discontent came from. I never fully realized what I was doing, where I was going, or how it was affecting me. And when I finally thought about it, I realized that a change was needed and I acted on it. It seems that if more of us did that and changed our lives for the better, we wouldn’t blow up so much about waiting in line at the grocery store.
that was more like 99 cents. Very helpful and I had to laugh picturing you yelling at the microwave. xo
Enjoyable article. It reminds me of a course I once took. “Critical Thinking”. The course was very beneficial and taught you how to interpret the words and actions of others. To look at the reason behind why people are doing the things they do. One example it used was the “bad driver”. Maybe they are in a hurry because they just received bad news about a loved one or are rushing to the hospital. While I am sure that this is not the case in 90% of the bad drivers I see out there, it serves as a lesson. We don’t know that back story as to why someone is acting the way they do. What events led up to it? Maybe it is justifiable. After taking this view I tend not to get upset with most things since I can not control them.
With that said..the one thing that STILL gets me is people who don’t return their grocery carts!!!! AHHHH
Same thing can be said…maybe something is going on and that HAVE to rush? NOPE can’t accept that. It drives me nuts! Stop being lazy! I will have to use #2 and let it roll down the river! I will let you know how that works out! 
Wow! You’ve been really inspiring me lately — and writing about topics I so enjoy! Thank you! This post got me here (points to heart and head). I’ve spent waaaay too much of my life reacting to people and things I could not control. Lately, I’ve been diligently working on trying to reduce the number of occasions when I react, especially negatively, and to channel my energies into more positive behaviors and thoughts. Thank you for these two suggestions. I have one friend who almost always pushes my buttons and many times his behavior towards me hurts my feelings, etc. I am going to start using them specifically with our interactions Thank you for your wonderful post.
Caroline, you can also consider spending less time with someone like that.
I would add to that list:
(1) Having to repeat yourself 2-3 times, because folks do not listen.
(2) People complaining about money to everyone and then buying a new car, new toys, etc…
I like the river scenario. Usually some deep breaths and just realizing these things are small in the scheme of life.
The things I react most negatively too are always the small things! So silly.
I like your story and had the EXACT opposite thing happen. I bought a cooler at a grocery store, and the woman in front of me had about 39 things. She kept looking back at me, and I didn’t want to make eye contact, since I didn’t believed I “deserved” to cut in line. But she eventually said, in very proper grammar, that I could go. I said thank you so much and took my chance. I realized later that she was really putting herself out there, since English was not her first language. It made me promise the universe that I’d do the same thing for the next person.
Love that Kathleen!
Hey Courtney,
interesting post – things like this normally depend upon your state of mind way before you even get into the situation. I think keeping in mind that there’s no point worrying about a situation that you can’t change (check out Cicero’s 6 mistakes – it’s #2) and otherwise if there is something you can do to improve the situation, then, as you say – do it.
Most people these days tend to get worked up about things that aren’t really truly important.
Two other things that help a lot -> Smiling and Slowing Down.
take care & best wishes,
Alan
Great advice. Instead of a long list of options it really showed that we can ‘do more with less’, that is, if something is bothering me I either do something or send it down the river. Next time something bothers me, I will be aware that if I do not choose to do something, then its time to let it flow down the river.
I like the idea of letting it flow down the river, personally though I have come to a place where I don’t let much bother me. If someone cuts me off in traffic or won’t let me cross the street when I have the right of way, I mutter a quick comment under my breath that they are a jerk and that gets it out of my system.
I finally got this way after rushing to get errands completed before my children got off the bus from school one year. I was in such a hurry I caught my foot in a depression I hadn’t noticed and shattered everything in my ankle. I have numerous pins and a plate with screws holding it together. I spent 6 months unable to use that leg and had months of rehab after. So now I simply put off an errand or do it when I know nothing else is pressing…it has helped quite a bit.
Really need to hear this today. Thanks for the post. Unfortunately much of my frustration in my workplace comes from negative attitudes, which totally wear off on me. So the ‘send it down the river’ strategy may definitely help. I think we get down on ourselves too much instead of just letting emotions surface and float away as easily as they’ve appeared. Then coming back to center, or ‘calm and easy’ as Tara Stiles says. She also has lots of great advice on this type of stuff. Anywho, thank you, Courtney!
I’m pretty good at letting go of the little things, reminding myself that I most of the time I can’t do anything about whatever the situation is anyway so why not just accept it and move in. But one thing that just grates on my nerves is going to the laundromat! I moved into a smaller apartment almost a year ago and it (obviously) doesn’t have a washer/dryer, which I’d been used to for several years. When I’m at the laundromat, I’m quite often annoyed by at least one person there, even though we may not even have an interaction. Of course, my real frustration is the fact that I’ve had to move into a smaller place without the amentities I was used to because I’ve made bad financial decisions that put me into debt, and it was time to get myself back in line.
Recently, there was a family there with several small children, doing LOTS of laundry, and I was constantly annoyed by the kids – that they DARED to make noise (in a facility where noise is amplified because of the structure) and run around and try to play with the laundry carts, etc. One part of my brain was telling me to get over it, they’re kids, for goodness sake! But I just couldn’t help being annoyed by it all. So I decided I’d pray for that family…that they were a loving family, good parents, that the children had enough food and clothes…you get the idea. As the negative feelings would resurface, I’d just start praying again. And in the end, I realized that I was praying for myself, too – that I’d learn to have more patience and acceptance of other people.
Thank you so much for some great ideas I can put into practice RIGHT NOW! You’re awesome, Courtney!
Hi Courtney,
We will all smile knowingly when we read this post! Funny how these negative reactions typically harm us by detracting from our happiness more than anyone else.
I love the way that you are easing into meditation. You are absolutely right: meditation isn’t about permanently stopping thoughts and emotions. That would be impossible, anyway, since thoughts are the natural activity of the mind. Ironically, when we just become aware of the thoughts and let them go by, the mind naturally begins to settle on it’s own. We discover more quiet and peace and more space between the thoughts. Sending your thoughts down the river is a great place to start. Eventually, we don’t even need to actively send thoughts down the river as we come to see that they flow down the river on their own if we leave the mind unaltered.
These are such valuable skills to have because transforming negative emotions is what brings greater happiness in our life and that naturally has a positive effect on others. Thanks for sharing these tips.