Many times when you start something new, your family isn’t ready to start with you. Going it alone is fine in the beginning when you are excited, curious and digging into your new challenge.
The struggle occurs when you discover the benefits and want to take things further. Take simplicity for example. After a few months of decluttering, and shortening your to-do list, extra time and space inspire you to go a little deeper. If you want to take the next step and downsize or pay down debt, you need your family on board.
I know from personal experience that it’s not your job to convince your spouse/partner/children to change. Not to mention, the convincing, begging and pleading approach is not effective. It’s much more powerful to be an example. If you want people to see the joy in less, be joyful with less.
Even though this works in many situations, including mine, that is not always the reality. I’ve heard from people who have been hoping for a change from their partner for more than a decade. Some people go it alone because their husband/wife/partner will not get simple with them. I can imagine that this is a lonely, frustrating place to be, and while I don’t have real life experience here, I hope the following recommendations will be helpful.
When no one will get simple with you …
Rephrase
If your conversations about simplicity have been focused on your partner getting rid of their stuff, it may sound more like nagging than encouraging. Invite them to read an inspiring blog post about simplicity or a book like Your Money or Your Life or Simplify
Try a different approach and instead of saying what you want, ask your partner what they want. You may want the same things, but because you’ve been focused on getting there, you missed the connection.
Appreciate the little things
Has there been slow progress? Notice the little things and make sure you appreciate the tiny steps that your partner is making, even though they aren’t as fast or in the exact direction you had planned. Be encouraging and gentle. If his/her attempt at simplifying is met with your suggestions for doing it better, motivation to continue is lost.
Love it or leave it
I’m not recommending the end of a relationship, but suggesting that you choose to love or leave the conversation about simplicity. If after 10 years, there still isn’t the slightest interest, it’s time to accept that things may never change. Take an honest look at the decade long struggle. If it’s always a battle and causing you and your relationship unnecessary stress, let it go. Find simplicity in your own way and focus on the things that you do love about your partner.
Look at the big picture
Is this struggle really about simplicity or is there a bigger issue within your relationship? Even when the two of you are not on the same page, you should be able to reach a place of mutual respect. If not, consider asking for help.
People over stuff
Make sure your arguments and conversation are about things that really matter and have the potential to improve your relationship. Fighting over measuring spoons or the right number of shoes to own isn’t productive. Focus your simplicity conversations on the benefits, on how you want to live your lives, on what things would look like between the two of you if you weren’t dealing with crushing debt, overtime, and clutter.
Develop your own simple space
If you live with a hoarder, or someone who can’t let go and won’t support your desire for simplicity, create a minimalist sanctuary. Develop a simple space that is all yours. It might be a corner in your bedroom, or a small room or other space in your home. Spend time outside too. Take walks and appreciate the simple beauty surrounding you.
Connect with like-minded people
You may not live with someone who supports your journey, but there is support available. Simplicity blogs were a great inspiration to me in the beginning and still are. For stories on slow, small, and simple, check out:
- Rowdy Kittens
- The Connected Life
- Zen Habits
- Hands Free Mama
- The Minimalists
- Slow Your Home
- Becoming Minimalist
Read books and attend events that support a simple lifestyle.
Be kind
Your partner’s resistance to change likely comes from a place of fear. Change and uncertainty can be really scary, especially when your partner is changing without you. Be open and kind and remind them that you love them and that the new simple life you crave includes them and supports your relationship.
One person in the relationship may always want more simplicity, but come together on love. If you can’t, the struggle isn’t with simplicity or stuff, but something bigger that deserves your attention and action.
Thank you for this article so much. The headline caught my eye because I’ve been saying we can’t declutter because of my family, but very early in the article, you talk about going it alone. I haven’t even taken that step! It’s like I’m waiting for everyone to get onboard so I can even start myself – a classic all or nothing approach. I’m going to start challenging myself to get busy (even in baby steps) so I can be the change I want. I know that’s not quite the point if this article, but it was just a great eye opener for me 🙂
Wonderful advice – thank you! I especially like this thought: “If his/her attempt at simplifying is met with your suggestions for doing it better, motivation to continue is lost.” SO true! So easy to be annoyed when others do that to me, yet so hard to realize when I am doing it to others.
Thank you for this article! My hubby is living a very simple and minimalist life, he has been as long as we have known (8 years now). For him minimalism is already a normal everyday lifestyle. He has never gone trough a dramatic change, but he has grown into it.
For me it’s hard to remember that. I’m super excited about my new ongoing change. Sometimes I get frustrated, because he’s not doing this with me! He won’t, for example, get rid of stuff with me. But then I breathe, focus and look at the reality. I still have tons of more stuff than he does. And I am the one who is unwilling to throw away unneccessary shared items, he doesn’t really care about stuff. I am the one who needs the change, not him.
i’m the minimalist. martha not so much. i learned quickly that “help me sort this” meant rearrange it. so i don’t. i just don’t help. nothing else. no drama. i did remove all of “antiques” and what not from my office. also tool shed. hell by now it would take several 40 yarders to get rid of it all.
who cares, just don’t take part. no stress. go get an hand dip ice cream. i like hand dip. when she decides to make a move, well i hire college kids to make it. ice cream time. stake out your area and pitch out stuff that moves in there. the phantom done it. she does make moves, from here to there. also i remove stuff from stairways. i don’t say anything, i just do it. mostly she doesn’t notice, well except the “antique” bed. it was sorta noticeable in the hall. it shortly found a new home.
i’m not an ass about it, i just don’t let it drive me. what has happened is that to acquire more stuff she has had to rid of some. life is like a shoe shop with thousands of different shoes. next year all over again. less rules more more ice cream. if your abode is full full full well don’t engage it. don’t do anything with it at all. don’t dust or clean it. ignore it. i will not move for the vacuum. on a side note i don’t have to move the furniture. ever ain’t no way.
lighten up. “don’t worry, be happy”. your results may very. i don’t take it personal, maybe you shouldn’t either.
ice cream, raz
I really enjoy your posts.
I read Your Money or your Life years ago and loved it! I also read The Good a Life by the Nearings and loved it. These two books got my mind thinking about what is important in my life. Since then, I have read many great articles etc. about simplicity. It gives me so much more time to focus on what I really want.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago, that my husband started reading about simplicity and it finally clicked. Once he did, he stared get rid of stuff and simplifying. I love it! But, a part of me felt a bit annoyed because there was never any comment like: ” hey you have been reading about this for years and sharing you thoughts. I finally get it. You were right…..” So, if you’re the spouse who finally gets it, please give your partner some validation. 🙂 “you’ve talked about this often and I get it. You are right. It is so liberating.” It is more rewarding to do things together.
Do, you have previous posts about finding your focus ( what you want to fill your life with) once the clutter is gone?
Thank you, I too really appreciate this article. I want to live more Simply and I do, yet it’s never “good” enough in my book. My husband, who is on board with simplifying, does take time to remind me how far we have come, and I need to stop and see things as such. Even if it’s not sell our house and downsize, we have tried to decrease some of what we own. It is also true that you need to work on decreasing your own belongings before you can worry about everyone else’s things. One question I have is how to begin the process to downsize, especially when you do have “house” debt and in order to make a sale worthwhile, you would need to put quite a bit of money in for updates? This is where my husband does not meet me. He thinks the true minimalist must have a decent amount of money in order to even consider a downsize possible. With our mortgage and everyday expenses, we do not have the funds to get our house ready to sell and/or bring money to the table at closing. Sorry to go off on a tangent, I really enjoyed your article. Thanks!
This is so true because I had a friend that is very pessimistic in life. When I told her that she does not need to buy expensive things to impress her colleagues and bosses and just be simple and mind the loved ones around her, she began to appreciate the things that she has.
Thank you so much for including me among this list of incredible writers on the topic of simplicity! I am honored! You have a beautiful blog here! So much wisdom & inspiration!
Upon making the decision to go simple and to lead a ‘family life simply done’ it was myself that I had to work on and no-one else in the family. I’ve never had to deal with a resistance. But I’d always approach a change of family life in leading by example, rather than persuading anyway.