In July 1995, my world changed when my little girl was born. Due to poor planning and the American dream, I went back to work six weeks after this world changing event.
Six to eight weeks is a standard, usually unpaid maternity leave in the states. We’ve come to expect it and accept it.
If you are a mother or a father, or anyone who has ever held an infant, you understand that six weeks is not enough time.
Six weeks is not enough time to
Hold your baby
Recover
Feel like yourself
Get used to a new routine-less routine
Sleep
While I remember some very joyous moments and happy times during my little baby’s first year, I also remember being torn Monday-Friday. When I was at work I felt like a horrible mother. When I was home in the evening, I held my sleeping child and remembered all the things I had forgotton to do at work.
Feeling like a crappy worker and a crappy parent left me depleted, unproductive and unmotivated.
While the perfect circumstance for me would have been not to go back to work at all, if I had been able to “be in the moment”, I could have eliminated much of my heartache.
How often are you in one place, thinking about another?
Stay in the moment
- Breathe. When all else fails, turn your attention to the simple movement of your breath.
- Write. When your mind starts to wander, take a few minutes and jot your thoughts down about the place you are not.
- Mix it up. Is there something small you can change to make the place you are more appealing? Add music or a change in schedule.
- Engage. Why do you have time to think and live somewhere else? Dig in and engage in what you are doing.
- Give thanks. Maybe your current situation is not ideal, but it could be worse. If you find yourself complaining, turn to gratitude.
- Get out. Maybe it’s not a permanent change, but perhaps a walk will help clear your head.
- Really change. If you are often thinking about somewhere else, or unhappy on a daily basis, put change in motion…right now.
Keep in mind that “being in one place and thinking about another” doesn’t always mean a physical location. Maybe you are overweight and always thinking about being thin, or single and always thinking about being married. There are some places you can physcially walk into (and out of) and some places that live in your heart and head. Your thoughts are just as real as what you do every day.
I meet people today that are like I used to be. People that wish they could be in two places at once. People that say things like, “I wish I could clone myself to get more done.” If that’s you, look for ways to start living your life instead of wishing it away.
You have a lovely life. It’s time to start living it.
Hi Courtney.
I know the feeling all too well, there was a time in life, not so long ago, that I longed for things to change, wished my time away, did the physical work but my mind was miles away.
Then one day I realised that life was flying by at an incredibly scaring rate. So then I made the decision to change myself. Simply by being more mindful, aware of my motivations, my actions, my feelings and my thoughts as I go about my daily walk, has impacted my attitude, my direction and even made the time slow a little.
David, It’s pretty incredible that change always starts with a little choice. Just by deciding to be more mindful, you changed your whole life.
I wish that I had had this advice 9 years ago when my first child was born. It took me that long to incorporate this into my life. 2011 is the year of change for me and already 1/3 through I can honestly say I’m staying true that. Great words of wisdom.
Anna, I wish I knew then what I know now too, but am so grateful that I finally saw the light…even if it took a really long time. 😉 Congrats on your year of change!
This is a lovely post Courtney. I have two sons, so I can absolutely relate to that overwhelming flood of emotion that comes with becoming a new mother. After my first son was born, I completely rearranged my life. In fact, I decided before becoming pregnant that corporate life and being a mother wasn’t a possible combination for me.
My husband and I made some radical (and not always well planned) decisions that brought us to where we are today, but I wouldn’t change a second of it. Before having my first son, I had no idea how fragile and vulnerable a six-eight week old baby is. I still worked outside of the home for the first year after my oldest son was born, but it was difficult.
The second time around, I’ve been able to work from home and it has made all the difference.
“Engage” – ok, it was one of Jean-Luc Piccard’s favorite words but oh, how true it is for life every day! What a wonderful post and a great list. I recently found Ignatian Spirituality. They have a prayer format called the Examen. When you pray in this manner, you review with gratitude the day just past, acknowledging the presence of God; then you prepare and pray for the day to come. “God is in the details.” Derek may not have been a believer in life after death, but he and his family LIVED life on earth far more than many people. Thank you.
Agreed – God is in the details. Thanks for sharing this Roberta, I love the idea of offering gratitude as prayer.
Courtney,
I love your suggestions for staying in the moment. I need to implement some of these myself! Especially love the last one- Really change. If you are unhappy, I agree one needs to figure out how to make that change happen. Just wrote about this as well!
Thanks for sharing!
Bernice
Are you stuck in a rut?
You read my survey and wrote this just for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You are so welcome Beth. Glad I could help.
Just read “The Last Post” and cried. To be expected…
me too.
This is a great post, and The Last Post was incredible. It really makes you realize that right now is all we have. I have to be here now, or I’m really not anywhere.
Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for the post. I really can relate to this. Thanks for taking the time and making your blog a reality. It has helped me and am sure it has helped many others.
This is so convicting for where I’m at. I don’t even know how to formulate the words at this point, in a cryptic blog comment but I’m really trying to take the leap that will hopefully take me from thinking about another place consistently in the present moment to being presently oriented. I suppose it could be a constant cycle though that I don’t anticipate one change (though it be huge) completely eliminating. It is still going to take discipline of mind and intention to be present in a place, in my mind. Otherwise… I think I could find myself where I’m currently hoping to be and still trying to find someone else to think about.
Alright Kristy, Now you’ve got me curious! Would love to hear more about your change.
Thanks for this beautiful post.
My son was also born in 1995, and although I was lucky to have more maternity leave than you, I still had to return to work for financial reasons (big mortgage for the big house, feeling that we had a to have a ‘nice’ car, wanting expensive foreign holidays etc.)
I spent the next few years torn between work and home, always worried about money, and having to deal with a small child who just wanted to be at home with me when he wasn’t in school. I was also becoming aware that I spent a lot of time fretting about things that had happened in the past, and worried about the future.
The, in 2009 I enrolled on a mindfulness course (the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program developed by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn) – I wasn’t really sure what it was going to be about – but thought it was worth giving a go.
I am so glad that I did it as it has helped me in so many ways. I have learnt to focus on the present moment, and to be aware of thoughts and feelings. (Incidentally, that is not to say you just drift through life, sometimes the present moment is when you are planning for the future.)
My story is the opposite of your Courtney. I had my first child at 25 and decided there was no where I could possibly be but at home with him… I had the most amazing experience of being with him every second of every day while he was changing everyday and growing into the wonderful human being he is today, and then I had another son exactly two years after the first… another gorgeous miracle… again I was there, in the moment, aware of the gift of such beautiful, healthy children and the circumstances to enjoy them…
BUT… the whole time, I was going through anxieties about not being able to do more…
What have I done that is productive today? – was one of my main questions…
We live in such a goal oriented society that JUST being a mother is not enough… if you want to matter you have to also count in the “Real World” – day in day out, I felt like a failure because I didn’t count in the real world… We could be such fools…
I am glad to say that all of this nonsense did not deter me from my goal of raising my own children and enjoying the time I had with them… And now both are in college, I look at them today and can see all that I have accomplished…
It’s so hard to “be present” when you are under the influence of expectations, preconceived notions as well as responsibilities…
I wonder how different I would have felt about myself and my life, if I had something like your blog to garner some perspective…
Thanks, for the wonderful insight and being a guiding light…
(I sent this post to my niece who just had a baby, hope it helps her make the right start)
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Hi Courtney,
I can connect to the message in your post even though I am not a mother. You are so right, wanting to be in a different place can be mental or physical. Thanks for offering pracical tips to help find perspective in the short term, and also make big change in the big picture.
I came upon Derek’s last post about a week ago, very touching and a perfect example that every second of every day counts so we may as well create a meaningful life and live well!
Best,
Amanda
Hi Courtney,
I totally empathize with how you feel torn between work and being a mother. Although not a mother myself, but I have been through crossroads that made me choose between career and family. Before, I would get easily frustrated because I did not know what to do, as I was not aware of exactly what was more important, and which one I can be without. I wanted to be in two places at once, without even knowing how I could manage myself to juggle that kind of life. It wasn’t until my friends helped me through meditation courses and finding mindfulness that I became aware of myself, and what truly mattered to me. Indeed it changed my perspective, and although it may not be same for some, finding what truly mattered to me helped me gain my confidence back, and my life’s reigns were back in my hands.