When you think about your life and tell your story, it is likely made up of a series of events or milestones.
- I was born in…
- I grew up in….
- I went to school at….
- I majored in…
- I worked for…
- I bought a house and lived….
- I had four kids…
For research, I took a look at the obituary section of the New York times last Sunday. I wanted to know how people define their lives. Most went on forever about accomplishments and said nothing about who the person really was.
Things like:
- His distinguished career in media and advertising started in New York.
- He was born in Des Moines and earned his B.S. in Business from the University of Iowa.
- As a Material Scientist for Uniroyal, he developed many patents for the company.
- He was president of the South Florida Builders association and served on numerous community organizations.
- She was a member of the Palm Beach Country Club.
- He became an accountant after the war and retired as a high school teacher.
While there were mentions of missing their passion for life, and never forgetting a smile, the majority of focus was on place of birth place, education, and work.
It made me think about what defines our lives. I recognize that big events contribute, but we cannot live our lives to build our resumes, or write our obituaries. We cannot let our milestones overshadow the moments that come between them.
my moments in between
- drawing a line in the car so my sister wouldn’t bother me on our long family rides from CT to FL
- riding the loop coaster even though my mom told me not to
- dancing the night away with my dad, Jerry Garcia and deadheads from around the world.
- afternoons at Filene’s basement in Boston with my mom.
- dinner in a candle lit monastery in Copenhagen with the love of my life.
- skiing out of Tuckerman’s Ravine tired, scared, in love and having the time of my life.
- Canadian Jays eating out of my hand on Mt. Jefferson.
- surprising my best friend for her 40th birthday in New Orleans after not seeing each other for 5 years.
- saying goodbye to my sister every time she goes home, halfway around the world, and realizing how much I love her
- tucking my daughter in each night and waiting for her to say “you’re mine” after I said, “you are my best girl”
Getting a degree, landing a job, relocating and buying a home are all big events in my life, but none compare to the above.
I only found one obituary with fewer than 30 words, and it spoke volumes:
Mildred, Aunt, Sis, sparkling smile,
a love for Manhattans and Monet, a fundamental honesty.
Have you ever heard a 101 year old giggle?
Her family misses her dearly.
I think that Mildred was deeply loving and deeply loved. I think she probably understood that it is the moments between our accomplishments that define our lives. Congratulations on your community memberships, prestigious degrees, and hometowns. Be proud of those things, but remember what makes your heart race. Remember what makes your eyes light up. Remember what makes a 101 year old giggle.
Now, go do that.
What are some of your moments in between?
I met a gentleman at a conference a number of years ago. The conversation amongst our group turned to the inevitable question of “What do you do?”. Most of us responded with our jobs. This one guy said he was a skiier and a rock climber. Everyone suddenly focued on him and became enthralled with a story about one of his recent adventures.
When he finished the story someone asked, “That’s amazing. But how do you make a living doing that and why are you at this conference?” He replied with a smaile, “Oh, no, that’s not my job. You asked what I ‘do’, not where I work.”
We all laughed, but the message was loud and clear to me. While some of us may be passionate about our work, it shouldn’t be the only thing that defines us.
I’m not gonna lie. This comment got me teary.
That is awesome.
That was simple and lovely to read. I hope my obituary is something like Mildred’s.
Naomi, Me too!
How interesting to see that the obits can illustrate your area. Here it’s very different, almost all obits focus on relationships and their longevity and on community presence. It’s quite illustrative of the place we live, it’s slower speed of life and it’s lack of interest in many transient things.
I don’t think it’s just in obits that we talk about ourselves in a way that describes our accomplishments instead of our moments that explain who we really are.
Sounds like you live in a great place!
Courtney this is a really touching post. It choked me up quite unexpectedly. Thanks for the powerful reminder that what really matters is who we are — not what we do.
Mary Angelou said it best when she said, “People will forget what you did, they’ll forget what you said, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”
All of the accomplishments that help us — as you said — build our resumes are great, but they don’t wipe the tears from a child’s sad face, they don’t make a friend that’s having a hard day laugh and they don’t make our hearts race like being loved by someone.
Beautiful post.
Jenny, I guess you paid me back by posting this touching comment that has me all choked up. Every moment and special memory I have comes back to sharing it with someone else.
I love that Maya Angelou quote! I will write that one down. Thank you for sharing it.
This really made me stop and think.
My moments in between:
-walks along the shores of Lake Erie
-teaching my nephew how to play basketball
-the annual reunion of my college roommates
-delicious dinners cooked by my fiance.
and so many more!
What a great post Courtney and I also enjoyed Jason’s story!
Love this post!! Short, simple sweet & extremely inspiring!! Love it!
Like a Net spa, Courtney. So smooth.
I remember I had an idea to make a magazine about obituaries with mini alternative-bios. The fun, quirks, and complexities of someone like Elizabeth Taylor–not just diamonds and Cleopatra. (She’d be covergirl this month.)
I love your moments. Frost said he’d like his obituary to be “he had a lover’s quarrel with the world.” We’d capture moments of heaven in Copenhagen. Also the “long obediences” of day-jobs, the “gentle hours” of the gloaming, the “dark nights of the soul.”
Wonderful, sobering, stilling, and exultant post. We, I hope, are moving toward an post-blog aesthetic.
Proud to be your reader,
M
Mildred’s obituary is very touching. Four simple lines with so much impact. Thank you for sharing this with your readers!
What a wonderful post. I have to admit I got a little teary eyed reading it.
Recently my sweetheart’s mom died and he wrote the most beautiful obit for her. It included all the usual things, but there was one bit about how as a realtor in a lake community, she used to take clients around the lake in a boat. He mentioned how everyone in the area knew her blue boat and could hear her laugh echoing across the water. That’s the kind of thing I want my obit to say … not what my job was, but what people will always remember about me.
“knew her blue boat and could hear her laugh echoing across the water” – what a beautiful memory.
Really enjoyed reading this. I wish I had something moving or witty to say but to be honest I don’t. I simply want to say Thanks Courtney 🙂
You’re welcome!
what a heartwarming post. thank you.
I love following you….is Jerry Garcia your Dad???!!! How cool is that that.
Loved the short and sweet obit for Mildred….made me smile!
I absolutely love this post. Thank you so much for the reminder.
Courtney, this is a lovely post. Maybe this is what you mean by being more with less – less of the big stuff and more of the small moments that intersect them – maybe this is what I mean by momentum gathering – focusing on those simple things that matter most and then going forward from there. Together, I think we are redefining what it is to live a lovely life. Thank you.
I feel a collaboration brewing.
Really beautiful and moving post. When my sister passed away in 2007, I tried carefully to pick the words that best described who she was – not by what she did or what school she went to. Obits are typically written as our lives are lived – prescribed, and following the “societal format”. Very sad, hence why this is so inspiring to read! 🙂
Actually, I know from experience, writing the obituary is a service offered by funeral homes for a set fee. I also know from experience that lots of families are too overwhelmed to write something up — unless of course they’re loved one is 101 and they’ve probably had tons of time to think about it. I think you’ll find the personal obits are the ones written by families who had time/warning. I tried to write one for my aunt, but my other aunt was overwhelmed and just told the funeral home to do it. Just to get the news out. It’s sad but true. But some friends wrote about their mother as the heart of the family — that’s where I got the inspiration for my aunt, it was just not to be.
Queen Mary, As my dad George, mentioned below, it’s not to late to write something about your Aunt. Maybe it will be just for you and her, or maybe something the whole family will enjoy.
Love this post!! Great reminders of what’s truly important.
When you ask “what are some of your moments in between?”, it reminds me of the poem, The Dash – http://www.thedashmovie.com It’s the dash on our tombstone between our birth date and death date. How are we filling that dash- our life? Are we filling in that dash with what matters to us? I use this poem as a fabulous intro to my life coaching presentations.
Thank you for an inspirational post!
Love the post ~ am home with my parents and brother for a week of vacation, and I’ll keep the ‘moments in between’ in the forefront of my mind. Tonight’s moment: sharing a heavenly cappucchino with my mom.
Thank you, Courtney. I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me, because I’m just not DRIVEN and career-oriented like most of the people I went to college with and have known since then. I’ve been perfectly content raising and homeschooling my daughters, doing music at our church and a few other places, and spending time with my husband and a few valued friends. I’m often asked when I’m going to start a career now that my kids are nearly grown, and when I’m going to start giving concerts or something to make more money with my music, etc., and I’ve felt ashamed to be honest and say I DON’T WANT TO! We have enough money for our frugal life, and I like having the time and freedom to pursue a lot of interests and still make a peaceful, comfortable home for us. I hope someday when I have died that the ones who write my obit won’t feel like I wasn’t a valuable person because I don’t have a long list of fantastic accomplishments (we DO judge people that way in our society). I’d like to think I’ll be remembered for my humor, or my opinions, or for reading aloud and doing all the voices, or for my hugs. I think your beautiful post has it just about right, and most in our society are the ones missing what is really important.
When my husband died suddenly at the age of 46 his obituary simply said, “He loved, he laughed, he cared! That was what mattered! His successful career and hobbies were just a way to pass time.
Thank you for posting this important message of what really matters!
Genevieve,
I was pondering what to comment, when I read your comment. My husband suffered a brain anuerysm a little over 2 years ago. Since then, he has decided to live a different life, to make things count. It was such a shocker to almost lose him, but nice to have an eyeopener.
Sorry that you lost your dear husband but glad that he made his life worthwhile!
Bernice
My moments
– the day my sister walked off the train for the first time after her daughter had died, i thought i would never see her again, it had been 6 months
– my BFF, Heron, coffees, lunches, lifts home, phone calls, early morning and late evening text messages, my life-line
– my daughter emily, who is affectionately named lemony, who texts olive juice for i love you,and reminds me that when its foggy its actually froggy, and that lemonade is actually melamade, she’s 20 now
– conversations with my mother about God, she’s now 80 and they have been a long time coming
– teaching sunday school
– each morning, each moment, each breath
Beautiful Bev.
Sweet!
Thank you.
Gentle hugs,
‘Aunt Amelia’
.♥.
Thanks Courtney –
I just forwarded this to my son, daughter and daughter-in-law. It helps to remember that college and career, even finding work that matters, are only a small part of what makes us individuals. The moments of love, laughter, service and joy are what matter most.
Gayle
I am middle aged now. That equates to being 47 and realizing just the other day that 55 comes in 8 more years. Wow!! Where has the time gone and then my question to self… what have you done with those years and what will you do in the next eight?
I can say I raised a family as best I could. Some days were glorious and others shatteringly sad. For example, the day I had to say goodbye to my four year old as I was leaving my home due to a divorce. That hurt so bad. It still hurts today, some eighteen years later.
Terrible is the childhood ravaged by a tyrant. My step-father was a violently abusive man who chose to do harm with his fists and his words. We healed from those fists and were scarred for life by his words. My name was “Simpleton.” And how do I move forward from that. I make a choice to move forward. My brother chose to let those words absorb him and take away his drive for life. He wound up a drug addict with a broken family. We lived in the same house, in the same bedroom, saw the same horrors and yet I chose a different path. Our mind is a powerful thing.
Today is the day I can move forward and change my life for a great outcome. I can not remove or change the past. Those events will always follow me around. I can only keep them in check so they do no more inner damage. It is now my goal to help others find and unleash their inner greatness.
Thank you for a solid article reminding us to live full and leave behind a true legacy of love.
Spencer. It sounds like a really special person came from great loss and sadness. That possibility is a lesson for all of us. At some point, we all get to choose how we live our lives regardless of the things that have happened to us. Thanks for your very personal message.
Very thoughtful post to read on my 52nd birthday. It makes me wonder what my obit would say. I think it would read just like those many many standard obits of accomplishments and facts – which makes me sad.
I wonder if part of the reason they are written that way is because people really don’t take the time to know each other? It makes me sad to realize that perhaps my family members – those that share my DNA – don’t know me well enough to write who I am. They have their opinion of who I am – but do they REALLY know me? Probably not – and that makes me sad. My friends know me – but friends typically don’t write the obits, do they?
Sybil. Happy Birthday! At 52, it’s not to late to let people know who YOU are. Maybe you will get to know the people you thought you knew in a whole new way.
Courtney,
Way to powerful, let’s dance again soon, because of you the trip has not been long or strange but a joy everyday. It’s great to be a Champion I hope I can be one to you. BTW please tell Queen Mary It’s not to late. Should I sign this JG?
JG was cool, but you are way cooler. I love you dad.
When my grandfather died I remember my mom standing up at the funeral and telling the story of the hats my grandfather wore. One with a wide brim to work in the field, one with the earflaps for winter, one for church on Sunday and one that was a Stetson in a pale gray blue that was his traveling hat. He always said gray days with a little wind were the best days for traveling. He died on the perfect day for traveling.
Ok, Crying again. That is simply beautiful.
I loved this so much I made my husband stop everything and read it aloud to him. Absolutely inspiring. Your thoughtfulness never ceases to amaze me.
xoxo Kate.
I thought of funny things, not necessarily tear jerkers but I hope they encourage smiles:
She began college in September of 1976 as a Child Development major. Shortly after realizing her distaste for young children, she changed her major to Organizational Communication, basing her decision entirely on the fact that there were no classes held on Friday. It worked out well for her.
In 1984, she was a bicycle messenger in San Francisco, a creative career choice made to accomplish the goal of getting fit while earning income to achieve her goal of making a long distance bicycle ride down the coast of California into Baja California. In 1985, she accomplished this goal, living in Mulege, Baja California, a village 38miles south of Santa Rosalia, for 6 months. While there she learned how to speak ‘conversational’ Spanish as well as various other sporting activities. The bicycle ride totaled 1100 miles.
The only time she ever got one over on her sister was when they were on a carnival ride at the Ohio State fair. Each time she pulled the handle on the ride it would go upside down causing her sister to vomit. She pulled the handle as many times as the ride would allow.
She is the only grandchild that ever beat her maternal grandfather in gin rummy.
She could successfully turn her eyelids inside out.
While in second grade, she had a vocal solo in the school’s annual show for the parents. The song’s title was ‘Sambalale is a show off’. It was only because she could sing loudly, not due to any talent, but she belted it out like Ella Fitzgerald, much to her parent’s embarrassment.
She read the book ‘Goodnight Moon’ to her son 4,385 times. They both can still tell you the story from memory.
Keep telling this amazing story Jane. You sound like a wonderful person.
Goodnight Stars
Goodnight Air
Goodnight Noises Everywhere
Courtney,
I feel so self-indulgent but your request for a bit more was very generous! You, my dear, are the wonderful person. A colleague of mine emailed this link to me yesterday after, of all things, I had given a brief talk in a class another colleague was giving on ‘Death and Dying’. The last ‘moment in between’ at the bottom is what I discussed and your blog just lifted my spirits. For that, I thank YOU!
• She got her nephew to say his first cuss word ever when was visiting from Virginia. She herself swore like a trucker.
• She continued to sing loudly, never getting any more talented than she was in second grade.
• She never did get over being disappointed when people didn’t do the right thing.
• Her husband said she ‘lived her life like nothing bad was ever going to happen’. She never could see what was wrong with that.
• She saw the Grateful Dead live over 100 times. This was in the 70’s and 80’s when they all played together.
• She spent Christmas of 2009 at MD Anderson Hospital with her Dad and stepmom while her Dad fought an infection following surgery for bladder cancer. It was her son’s last Christmas before he left for college the following fall and he was in Wyoming where their family lived. Both her son and husband were adamant she stay in Houston. By late evening, all other patients had been released and she and her father were alone his room in this massive hospital wing. He woke up around midnight, confused and frightened and upon seeing her said, ‘I am so happy to see your face.” It was a “moment in between” that she was extraordinarily grateful for on so many levels. Her father lost his battle with cancer February 6th, 2011. Along with her beautiful stepmother’s, he was able to see her face then too.
Thank you Jane!
We likely danced together at a Dead show in the 80s. 😉
Your moment in between with your dad brings tears to my eyes. It sounds like you were lucky to have each other.
Mildred seems like a super-charmer indeed! I definitely wouldn’t define my life by any of those typical milestones. Thanks for the reminder that they are not necessarily what give real value to our lives.
This is so inspiring..so much wisdom here!
The love of my life, Dan, signing the entirety of “April Showers” to me in bed yesterday morning.
Um…pardon…it should have read “singing”….April Showers.
When my husband died, I just couldn’t do the traditional born/died/father of/brother of kind of obit, and I was determined to write one of the few that attempted to convey who he had been. It cost me a bundle since newspapers still use the obituary page as a profit center, but it mattered to me and to many who commented on it:
Nelson lived a full life during his 76 years, dying exactly one month short of his 77th birthday. The beginning of his life was hard because he started drinking when he was 12 and suffered for 33 years from severe alcoholism. There was a happy ending, though, as his last 31 years focused on recovery from addiction with the help of skilled professionals and fellowship members. He treasured those years of sobriety and the vastly different life he was able to live while refraining from alcohol one day at a time. During the last 27 years of his life he got closer to his brothers, nieces, nephews and other family in Washington, Missouri. He created a new family including in-laws who defied the comedic stereotype, stepchildren with their extended families and friends as well as grandchildren who never failed to brighten his day. He reconnected with and developed relationships with his own children from those earlier drinking years and their families despite the many miles that separated them. And he found a new spiritual home and many friends at the First Unitarian Church. Nelson’s last 31 years demonstrated his belief that sobriety, gratitude and genuine caring for everyone he met could provide benefits far more valuable than money and fame, and on June 25, 2010 he died grateful for all the opportunities made available through his sobriety. There will be a memorial service at xx and everyone who knew Nelson is welcome to come and rejoice in his life and their time with him. Anyone who would like to leave a gift in his name can send a contribution to the (local) Humane Society which was where he found his incredibly special Red Dog.
She lived, loved and laughed… with her family, friends and acquaintances…
She had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, a passion for art, love of travel, an enthusiasm for life and an insatiable desire to sit around a well laden table prepared by herself with the ones she loved…
She believed in honesty, always doing your best, compassion and sharing… her life, her knowledge, her passions with one and all…
Dear Courtney,
I loved your post… of course… how can one not? And I sat down to write my own obit… This is only the beginning…
But I have to confess, I am not sure if this is how ‘they’ would write it in the end…
I remember reading of a daughter’s search through her father’s personal things in order to discover the real man he was and looking for clues to some of her questions, after he had passed away. Often we don’t know the people we are closest to because we can’t get past our own preconceived notions. I didn’t want this to happen to me after I was gone, I wanted my kids to know the real me because I had lived, loved, thought, felt and laughed…
Then when I was about to turn 40, my ramblings became something along the lines of …
‘Was this what my life was supposed to be?’
I had bought into the illusion of success being related to the accomplishments you mentioned about schools and jobs… No one had ever told me I mattered as a person and brought others happiness just being me. I had to figure that out on my own… I wish I had read this post 20 years ago when I had decided to be a stay-at-home mom. It would have been a great support. Although, I guess the path to my self-discovery has been an interesting part of my journey.
I hope you can reach as many people as possible young and old, men and women, we all need this kind of encouraging reminder…
Thanks ♥
don’t know how you came up with the topic, but what a wonderful read. Truly a moto for us all to live by.
Hey Courtney,
Timely post! I’ve been thinking about how we define ourselves (and how others may define us) a lot more since I had a kid. A good friend of mine describes his late father as a failed writer, a bit of a drifter…I never want my son to describe me as a “failed” anything!
Better:
– freeform crochet master
– lover of all things 1970s
– composer and performer of insane songs
– radiant cyclist
– soupmaker extraordinaire…
May we all live the lives our kids can speak highly of!
take care,
Lisa
I just found your blog through Minimalist Mom and I have fallen in love with you and your message already!! Life is filled with passion Or so it should be…I have in between moments very single day and feel so blessed and grateful for all of them…
…the smell of my baby girls room when I walk in the door
…the wake up call my fiancee gives me each morning, a kiss in the middle of my shoulder blades as I sleep
…the way my son wraps his arms around my waist, TIGHT, to hug me good bye
…the unbelievable way I feel when I have touched a life and inspired change
…the fact that I love myself, my life and every one who is in it!!
You are so right more people need to pay attention to the in between…and I am grateful to sit here knowing that the majority of my day is “in between”
This touched my heart. More so because this is something I too believe in. As one of the commenters above said – our great resumes can’t make a person happy. I wish more and more people would understand the importance of moments and experiences.
I love this! My father passed away in November and we all had to come together to write his obituary. The family was trying to compare other people’s obituaries to write my fathers. My father was a jokester and I thought it would only be appropriate to add a joke or two along with his passions in life. The family was so bent on keeping it cookie-cutter like the rest. Life is about love and passion. We need to always remember that as we move through life. How do you want to be remembered as a person? I am sure you would rather someone remember your laugh and smile then the city you were born in. You have inspired me to redefine my lovely life. Thanks!
I really loved this post, the part about having dinner with your husband in Copenhagen brought a tear to my eye, so moving!!! The thing that makes you a writer is that you have a way of taking how people feel and putting it into words.It helps people like me learn how to express myself in relatable ways when I would otherwise be so frustrated and feel alone and locked up in myself. I have some of my own in between times I will share too
– seeing horses for the first time and knowing right away that they were my lifes purpose in my childhood.
– my dad suprising me on Christmas Eve with my first saddle.
– hating to see my Mother cry more than anything!!
– losing my first horse to a freak accident and realizing I had just lost the first love of my life.
– Having my first code save, it is really great and weird to be doing CPR on a person after you have shocked them 3 times and have them wake up and tell you, “I’m alright I just fell asleep for a moment”. I realize that it was not this mans time yet but I was so happy to help him on that deep of a level.
– meeting my husband for the first time and thinking to myself “what a mouthy kid”. Who knew that would be the part of him that I would love most and get frustrated with most too.
– seeing my son for the first time after he was born and holding him for as long as I could before the Dr had to take him because he was a preemie in respitory distress and woundering so vividly how I ever lived a day without him.
– for the first time really getting why people are so nuts about their children and their spouse and realizing thats what we as humans are really meant to do. So simple but such a huge realization when you get there on your own. Its that, Oh I get it now feeling.
There are probably a ton more but those are the ones I thought of when I read your post.
I hate saying goodbye to you too!! But love your letters you give my when I leave! <3
my moments in between…
– standing in my wedding dress, looking up at my husband and thinking I married my best friend,
– the moment I held my sons within their first few minutes in this world,
– the look and smile of my sons as I breastfed them,
– looking into my one month old nephew’s eyes and knowing that we would have a very special relationship from that moment on,
– getting a drawing of myself as the queen of the castle from my 4 yr old for mother’s day,
– going to Ivy in LA and having my husband feed me because I had to hold my nephew since he was being fussy,
– every day we spent last July with my mother-in-law, right after she lost her husband with our sons and our nephew and niece, trying to make her happy,
– writing to friends and getting responses saying they get it…
i have been following the main circuit of minimalist blogs for nigh over two years now and have never commented on any. i read the feeds thru my kindle using google reader mobile…and right now its 2:45ish at night and im bawling. thats how much the message in this post touched me. i made a special hop over to your site to give you mad props on this outstandingly touching post. beautiful! i feel im going to be up for a while longer drowning in nostalgic in-between-moments.
I am so glad I just found your blog and I can’t thank you enough for this post. I needed this today. “it’s the moments between our accomplishments that define us”
<3
How fun this has been, reading over each and every comment, your replies, and even seconds from some. I’ve only recently “met” you, Courtney, and after reading this am even MORE glad of it.
I’ve had a treasure trove of memories tumble round me, about my own Life and its Moments BEtween, of my grandparents’, my son’s, my parents’ and brother’s… then, too, the friends I’ve known who are now gone, some from this Life, others just from my own.
You are truly lovely and I am humbled by all the gifts and thoughts everyone shared on top of your post.
What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge on the topic of unexpected feelings.