Editor’s Note: This is a post in the series, Simplicity in Action.
Alyssa
I stood in my mom’s closet, her flashy clothes and fun shoes stuffed on the hangers and shelves around me. She had died two days earlier, and now I was struggling to pick an outfit that would best represent her one last time before we laid her to rest. I had a lifetime of memories with her, yet couldn’t find the clothes that encompassed her vivaciousness, passion, and kindness. I was in too much shock to cherish memories and “fondly look back at the good times,” as many friends and family members urged me to do. I clung to the things she last used, grasping for anything to keep her close.
The next spring, we finally hosted a garage sale of most of her things, with the family keeping our favorite mementos to bring us comfort. Sorting through someone’s stuff after they’ve died is a traumatic experience you cannot describe without having been through it. Yet with each item I passed along to its new owner, I was able to feel my pain and process it. It began to sink in that while these things and this stuff felt like my mom, they weren’t her. Overcoming that mental hurdle was the biggest challenge, but coming to that realization is what started me down the path to simplicity.
During college and as a young graduate, I moved six times in seven years. Each move was in July, with temperatures in the triple digits. Even after suffering through these tough moves in the hot and humid Texas summer, I still never cut down the amount of stuff I owned. Jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes, things, stuff…everywhere. I strived to be organized and clean, but I wanted all these things. The juxtaposition of my feelings often overwhelmed me, but I realized that what I had learned about my mom’s stuff applied to my own as well.
I began purging the clothes, shoes, and tchotckes that I had clung to for some reason and didn’t care for anymore. I took my favorite old t-shirts and had them made into a t-shirt quilt. It keeps me warmer than 25 individual t-shirts ever would. For every thing that I give away, I think of all the people who will use it more than me. I think of what my family would have to deal with if I died suddenly. I take a deep breath and enjoy the space that I create.
During this new simplicity era, my dad caught the bug. We never needed to vocalize it, but it’s clear that the trauma of my mom’s death and the garage sale pushed us both to get rid of what didn’t matter anymore to make room for what does. Additionally, my dad has a chance to process his memories as well. He finds old pictures and texts them to me, and we have a good laugh. By having less, we’re able to highlight those few cherished possessions that bring us joy every time we see them. By having less, we’re able to enjoy our time together even more–although I still haven’t gotten him to take a yoga class with me.
I’m still a simple living work-in-progress. I still love shoes and clothes; however, I buy far less than I used to, and I make sure everything fits well and is made well. When I bring something new into my closet, I get rid of one (or more!) things. Learning about simple living and putting my knowledge into practice has given me the tools to continue living a life of purpose.
Even though it’s been five years since her death, I still think of all the memories we have: all our inside jokes, the way she taught me to speak my mind and my heart with poise and grace, and how important it is to give to others. I know she would be proud of the life I’m creating for myself. And I know she would tell me to continue enjoying the simple things, and always look for the fun shapes when you look at clouds.
Read more from Alyssa at Funny Things in Fluffy Clouds and follow her on Twitter.
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” to get rid of what didn’t matter anymore to make room for what does”
I can really identify with the bitter-sweetness of your experience. I have not lost a parent yet, but have lost people close to me. The lesson to cherish life is sometimes overpowering.
Although I already cosider myself a minimalist, I am currently undergoing a drastic downsizing as we transition from a 1200 sqare foot home into a 300 square foot motorhome. We will truly be living with only the essential.
Dan @ ZenPresence
That sounds like quite the downsizing adventure, but will be an adventure nonetheless!
This post speaks to me. My dad died 3 years ago and my Mum chose to not only clear all his stuff but to move from theri home of 43 years. So many memories and so much stuff had to be moved. Initially I took things becuase I couldn’t bear to see them thrown out or dissappear off to strangers, but as time has gone on i too have moved to the place where I know my dad is not in anything except my heart, all the stuff doesn’t really matter. So now I find my path to living simply means I am passing more on, releasing it into the wrold rather than trying to cling on. Thank you X
So sorry for the loss of your dad. I’m glad you’re able to keep him close in your heart like I do my mom.
Beautifully written with excellent insight. Thanks for your insight, Courtney. This is really amazing.
Thank you for the kind words 🙂
Thank you for this, Courtney. You are correct that sorting through a loved one’s stuff is very traumatic. I wanted to share a post I wrote about this after my 21-year-old son died. A friend of ours made a beautiful quilt out of his t-shirts. I can’t begin to tell you how special it is. Here’s a link: http://www.griefgratitude.com/2012/05/matthews-memory-quilt.html
Thank you.
What a beautiful and bittersweet story. I’m so glad your quilt can keep you warm and provide some comfort during your grieving. Your son sounds like he had a lot of fun stories to tell.
Thanks for sharing your heartwarming story. I’m so glad simplicity has brought you and your father closer together.
Thank you for reading it! I’ve always been close with my dad, but this experience made it more so.
This is the most moving piece I have ever read about having less. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for making me smile while tearing up this morning!
I can also identify with this story. My Mom passed away unexpectedly about 21 months ago. Her mother and her brother passed away a week apart about 14 months prior to that. When my Mom passed, my sister and I rush to my Dad’s side. As a family, and as part of our mourning and healing process, when started sorting through the stuff that belonged to each of our beloved family members. It was difficult at first, but as we cried and laughed together through the early stages of this process, we realized that we would always have to memories and that passing the stuff along to someone else who needed it was the best way to honor our loved ones who were no longer physically with us. Thank you, Alyssa, for sharing your story, and thank you, Courtney, for this post.
What a tough time for you and your family. I’m glad to know I wasn’t alone in this process (even though it often felt like it at times). Everyone grieves in their own way, but I found it easier to live my life in a way that would make my mom proud when I could let go of her things and honor her spirit. Of course I’ve kept a few cherished mementos, but far less than I had originally kept.
I know it was hard going through your mom’s stuff, but I’m glad you did it. It helps. I haven’t done that with my father and my grandfather’s death. But periodically I get something from a family member, because they know I would want it. And they are always right.
As for the Texas moving. I know what you mean. I moved alot and I kept everything. I just added on after I settled in my move. It’s so weird. Now, I’m cutting things down for a big move in September.
Good luck to you!
You’ll get there, Kristi. Best of luck!
Courtney, thank you for continuing to introduce your readers to like-minded bloggers with valuable lessons to share. Alyssa, your post rings so true for me! I left a comment for you at your own blog as well.
Thank you, Joy!
This was very moving and struck deep into what actually matters in our lives and what simply gets in the way!
Thank you, Dave!
Alyssa,
Grant sent me a link to “Simplicity in Action” and I just wanted you to know that it really helped me. My father passed 5 months ago and my mom is in a nursing home.My parents were in the nursing home together for the last 5 months of my dads life. They celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary 4 days before he died.I have one brother and we still haven’t gone through dads things.We will take my mom to her house when she feels she is up to it and help her go through everything. Even though my dad had been ill and in truth it was a “blessing” that God took him home, we still miss him and I know we always will.It’s like you said “Things are not them”, but It’s hard for me to sit on the side of his bed and see his glasses on the night stand, along with his watch and rings and not feel sad. He was a wonderful father and I am just so blessed to have had him as long as I did. He almost made it to his 86th Birthday!! Thank you for posting your beautiful article. Tell Ryan Jerry and I said hello. May God bless you both!!Oh and Maggie too!!Grant has told me what a sweetie she is!!Best Regards, Shelley Austin
Aw Shelley thank you for the sweet message! I hope my story can provide you comfort through the whole process.