Learn to Lose Control
Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Steve Marquez of the spartan penguin
Let’s face it; learning to lose control is not something that is high up on most people’s agenda. In fact, for many, the exact opposite is true as they move through life trying to gain control of everyone and everything.
People try to control people, they try to control things, and they try to control all that happens around them. Like some kind of cosmic conductor, they try to get life to fit perfectly to their whims and wants.
This is crazy, because there is very little that you can control and the result of trying to control things that you can’t is frustration and anxiety.
Think about it.
It’s helpful if you start with the big stuff like the ocean and tides, or the sun rising and setting. These are obvious events that happen daily over which we have no control. Closer to home, many people think they can control the people around them like their partners or work colleagues. Can they, really? The short answer to that question is “no”. It is possible to manipulate or influence, but control, “no”.
In fact there is very little that you, as an individual, can control. Try writing a list of everything you are in control of and everything you are not. Really think about it. You’ll find that you have a very long list on one side of the page (things you can’t control) and a very short list on the other (things you can control).
When I did this exercise I found that I only really had control of two things:
- my thoughts and beliefs; and
- my actions or behaviour
That was it.
What a relief
If, like me, you’ve spent much of your life trying to control everyone and everything then this realisation (that you actually control very little) can be both terrifying and liberating at the same time. Ultimately though, it came as a relief for me.
No longer did I have the gargantuan task of running the world, instead I was only responsible for me.
The realisation is a powerful one that brings a peace and serenity to life if you can learn to lose the (false) concept of control, to let go, and to find acceptance in the moment.
Find peace through acceptance
Acceptance is the key. Can I find acceptance in the moment, in all that is? Can I be at peace with life exactly as it is showing up right now? These are important questions.
Two practices have helped me immensely with this. The first is the use of the Serenity Prayer which goes: God [insert whatever you wish here], grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. The second is meditation which is all about focussing on the moment, on the now, being present.
Acceptance brings peace. The struggle (to control) stops. You cease fighting. From there all things are possible.
Start with your sphere of control, with your thoughts and actions. Ask yourself whether you can think about a situation that’s bothering you differently. Change your thoughts if necessary. Act from a place of love and compassion. If you do this over a period of time then those thoughts will become beliefs, which will drive your actions. The world, which is always just as it is, will suddenly become a magical place rather than a source for stress and anxiety.
How to change the world
Having talked about a world where you control very little it might seem strange to talk about changing the world but bear with me. Life and where it takes you, in my view, comes down to two things:
- divine inspiration; and
- human perspiration
Acceptance and letting go are not about relinquishing all responsibility. I firmly believe in divine inspiration; that people, events, circumstances are put in our path for a reason. I also believe that we have a role to play as individuals and that’s where what we do control matters: our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Right thought and right deed result in better choices.
Unfortunately though for many of us, me included, this working on ourselves (our thoughts and actions) requires some perspiration. The results are worth it though.
So, how to change the world? I believe that this can be done one attitude at a time. Have you ever noticed how someone smiling at you in the street can change your day? The same principle applies here.
When you let go of control, when you find acceptance, when you live in the present, when you develop a positive attitude, and when your actions speak louder than words, then the world (people) notices. It rubs off.
Gandhi said, “be the change you wish to see in the world”. He was right and maybe, just maybe, the world can be changed for the better: one attitude at a time.
Steve’s focus is on living a simple, spiritual, life. He writes at the spartan penguin, or you can look him up on Twitter.
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What a beautiful post. As a recovering control freak, it took me many years to realize that being in control was not only impossible, it was also not desirable. There’s the whole “weight of the world” thing like you mentioned, but there’s also the fact that if you’re controlling everything that happens, then nothing is really real – it’s just a big movie that you’re directing.
Like relationships… if you’re controlling the person you’re in a relationship with, then how can you ever really feel like that person truly loves you? Because if they only love you because you made them do it, then is that really love? It’s certainly hard to feel loved under those circumstances.
So true EcoCatLady. It’s this illusion that we are in control of so many things, when clearly we are not, that causes all the angst. It’s also the illusion that when everything is just as we want it that everything will be OK – again, that’s simply not true. The ‘weight’ of trying to control everything then simply pulls us down.
I also agree on the relationship front. I certainly don’t like to feel like I am being ‘controlled’ so it makes sense that the other person wouldn’t like this either. And at the end of the day can we really control someone else, even if we want to?
Our responsibility is to look after our own thoughts, beliefs and actions – it’s that simple (phew!).
Steve
yes, Yes, YES!
Great guest post, Steve! So much so that I just Tweeted and Google+’d it.
Thanks Laurie!
Really wonderful post. Thanks so much. As a recovering codependent I have had to do a lot of work on letting go. It is something I’m still working on, but it has turned my life around. More energy, more peace, better clarity. It’s such a relief to realize that all I have to do is look after my own thoughts, beliefs, and actions. When you truly understand that it’s like a thousand pounds has been lifted of your shoulders.
Ain’t that the truth Sharon (the feeling of a huge weight being lifted when the realisation takes place). Letting go and learning to lose control are one in the same – all we have to look after is our thoughts, beliefs and actions – it’s that simple.
Steve
Touchingly thoughtful post. As a major organizer it is relief to consider letting it all figure itself out by itself. Thanks for reminding me to flow more gently through my life.
The Master allows things to happen.
She shapes events as they come.
She steps out of the way
and lets the Tao speak for itself.
~The Daodejing
Thanks for sharing The Daodejing Cara. I haven’t come across it before. Very apt!
wow! this is speaking right to me at the moment. i’m in a space where living day to day is the only thing on my schedule. there were so many things i’d planned for life up to this point and their lack of completion has been met with more will to control on my part. that has not worked out too well. so, i’m letting go of that tight grip i have on the wheel and just observing where i’m guided. it’s so much more pleasant to live life this way. thank you for your post. this is truth right here.
Thanks Christine. You know I’ve been living ‘one day at a time’ for a while now and it’s amazing how much this approach to life has helped me. Prior to that I was always stuck in worry about the future (and trying to control it) and regret about the past. Living a day at a time means living in the day, and living in the moment – and it’s in the moment that I find peace.
Steve
Steve,
Great posting! It took me the better part of 50 years to accept the idea that it’s impossible to live in an alternate reality. It was a great relief to exit that environment. But I still must watch my step – it is so easy to succumb to the siren song that ego pipes into my ear on a very regular basis. This coming weekend I have a particular meeting that I’m speaking at and the topic – which arises frequently – is all about letting go. I daresay were I at a loss for words I could simply read this to the assembly. I won’t. But it will undoubtably be floating in the back of my mind.
Thank you again and thank you Courtney for inviting this guest.
“the siren song that the ego pipes” – I know that well Richard. Thank you for the reminder that this is not a simple realisation that suddenly makes everything OK. Rather it’s something that must be practised daily.
You made me smile by saying that you might read the post to the assembly – probably best that you don’t!
Like you I am also thankful to Courtney for inviting me to post on her blog.
Steve
wow! really nice post! can’t wait to check your blog! i love how you can feel your spiritual influence and your calmness right through your words! thank you!
Paula
Thank you Paula. I really appreciate your kind words.
Steve
Just found this blog from Social Worker Mom’s. What a nice post! We’re not too big on control in our profession, is the truth. Tends to take way too much energy.