When I look back at how I let my life get so out of control, I realize it wasn’t a conscious effort to become busier, do more, own more, and owe more. Things just kept building up. I forgot what I wanted, so I couldn’t protect it. I was a victim of circumstance, not taking responsibility for the fact that I created the life I was living.
My crazy, busy life was destroying my health and relationships. When I finally noticed that’s what was happening, I started to change everything. One of the most important things I did was quietly begin a busy boycott. I started at the height of my busyness while working in a fast paced, very stressful advertising position. I didn’t tell anyone, and no one noticed.
I started identifying what mattered to me and doing what was necessary to protect it. My tactics were fierce, but also soft. I moved from helpless victim to gentle warrior.
In a society that always wants more from you, it’s important to draw a line in the sand. What I’ve learned though is if you can draw the line with your heart, you can take a stand with a smile, dump the guilt around doing less, and instead of disappointing others, remind them what’s important in their own lives by honoring what’s important in yours.
My manifesto is a list of my non-negotiables that guide me, especially when I struggle with the call to do more.
A Gentle Warrior’s Manifesto to End Busyness
1. I will not say yes when my heart says no.
Most of the time, when presented with an opportunity or invitation, I know the answer. My heart knows long before I take time to consider what I’ll say. When I think about saying yes when my heart says no, I can feel it in my body. I might clench my teeth, squeeze my hands, or feel stress where there should only be light. For many years, I ignored those outside signs of inside struggle, but now I pay attention.
Be a gentle warrior.
Protect your heart and say no with a kind smile. Instead of saying yes when your heart says no, be honest. Your no doesn’t need a lengthy explanation or apology. Saying no more honestly will give you a chance to say yes and allow you to show all the way up for people you love and work you care about.
2. I will measure more by what’s in my heart and less by what’s crossed off my list.
I had a bad habit of measuring my self-worth by what I got done each day. If there weren’t enough check marks on my to-do list, or I didn’t do more than everyone around me, I was a failure. If I was home sick, and couldn’t contribute at all, I’d feel even worse about myself.
I thought if I could do more, perform better, and climb the ladder faster, I’d be happier, more successful, and people would love me more. As I slowly pulled back and started thinking about how I really wanted to spend my time, I realized people couldn’t love me for what I accomplished, but only for who I really was. When I was consumed with doing more, I didn’t even know who I really was.
Be a gentle warrior.
Measure more by what’s in your heart and by how you treat people, including yourself. If you notice you are feeling down because of the things you left undone, remind yourself who you are and what you mean to the people around you.
3. I will prioritize love and health.
Love and health matter to me, but until I became a gentle warrior and began to protect them, respect them, and create an environment where they could thrive, love and health never had a chance to rise up. I experienced love and health in my life before, but not like I do now. I used to catch glimpses of both, but today my life is full of love and health.
Be a gentle warrior.
Know what matters most, and when you are making a decision ask yourself what will support the things that matter most to you. Let your priorities guide you.
4. I will ask for help.
I can get by alone, but getting by is not what I want for my life. When I ask for help, and bring other people in, everything is elevated. Last summer, when a friend helped me thrive in my work and I thanked him, he replied, “When you rise, I rise.” That statement reminded me that asking for help doesn’t just help me, but everyone around me. We are all in this together.
Be a gentle warrior.
Asking for help is a sign of strength. Asking for help builds relationships. Even though you can do it alone sometimes, you can do it better with help every time.
5. I will work with people who want my best, not my busiest.
I used to spend every Monday morning in meetings with no meaning. I used to spend hours writing weekly reports because people I worked with needed proof I was busy. Now that I work for myself, I decide how I spend my time, how I grow my business, and who I work with.
Be a gentle warrior.
If you work for someone who prioritizes busy work over good work, make subtle shifts if you can’t make a big change. Suggest standing meetings, or agendas that support a team. Challenge your co-workers to only check email a few times a day and to turn off chat, or notifications for certain times during the day. Go for walks during your lunch hour instead of eating at your desk. Recognize and demonstrate that busyness is not productivity, creativity, or love.
6. I will ask better questions so we don’t have to talk about how busy we are.
Let’s stop telling each other how busy we are. That conversation isn’t helping us connect, or become less busy. Talking about busyness makes me feel busy, even when I’m not. Instead of “how are you?” I am going to ask people, “What was the best part of your day?” or “Who or what made you smile today?” or “What will you remember about this week?”
Be a gentle warrior.
Ban the word “busy” and see what it feels like to talk about your life differently. “I’m so busy” is usually a complaint. You roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, and often sigh when rambling about your busy day. Instead, talk about your day with gratitude. Focus your conversations on the things you are grateful for and see how that changes things.
7. I will not let my phone run my life.
Phones were designed for connection, but the more our phones can do, the less connected we are. I used to use my phone everywhere, checking it constantly, even in the car.
Be a gentle warrior.
Turn off all notifications on your phone. Do you really need to know when you get a new email or Facebook message? Silence your phone when you are in the car, sharing a meal, sleeping, or doing other things that benefit from your undivided attention. Experiment with phone-free days, and removing social media and email from your phone.
8. I will trade my FOMO for JOMO.
By committing to do less, I am going to miss out on things, but instead of fear, I feel joy. Joy that I have a choice, joy that I am protecting what matters most, and joy because I feel well. Because I am doing less, I get to choose the things that mean the most, and I have the attention and energy to be engaged and truly enjoy what I’m doing.
Be a gentle warrior.
FOMO signals a lack of engagement. If you are worried about what you are missing, you aren’t finding the most meaningful parts of what’s happening right now. Letting go of FOMO means abandoning the need to catch up, keep up, and measure up to connect with what’s right in front of you.
Don’t be surprised if you actually look forward to missing the things that you used to do because you felt obligated, or fearful of missing out. Trade your F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) for J.O.M.O. (Joy of missing out)
9. I will create space for solitude.
If I need to decline an invitation to spend time alone, I will. If necessary, I’ll reschedule or cancel thoughtfully without explanation. I enjoy spending time with people I love and engaging in fun activities, but as an introvert, I need time alone. Without solitude, I feel depleted. Without quiet, I become overwhelmed and grouchy.
Be a gentle warrior.
Introverts need solitude, but so do extroverts. Protect your soul’s need for silence and retreat. Retreat, refuel and then go back into the world with a full heart.
10. I will linger longer.
I will watch sunrises and sunsets. I will savor delicious food, meaningful conversations, and beautiful views. I will take time to notice love in the details and joy in someone’s eyes. I’ll create space to nurture creative work knowing that you can’t schedule a good idea, when words will flow, or the magic of everything coming together in a way you just can’t plan.
Be a gentle warrior.
The opposite of a busy life isn’t a lazy life, it’s a full life. Don’t apologize for daydreaming, stargazing, or any activity that speaks to your soul. Take a long walk, a short nap, or sit quietly. Others may not respect the value of slowing down, but you know what’s best for you.
Become a gentle warrior and protect what matters most to you.
Make your own list of non-negotiables. Begin to protect your health, your love, your loves, and your life. Do this with the heart of a gentle warrior and your efforts won’t be selfish or isolating, but instead will allow you to be and give your best self.
These non-negotiables or life rules won’t limit you. Creating boundaries makes room to expand in all directions. You’ll free up time, space, and attention to expand in any direction you choose. And, you’ll have great clarity on what the best direction is.
If you want to trade your busy life for a full one, join the free 21-Day Busy Boycott Challenge.
What you’ll get by signing up:
- 3 weekly emails with challenge actions. You’ll practice each one for 7 days.
- An audio recording of how I started my busy boycott.
- An invitation to the private Busy Boycott Facebook Group.
- One more email with a PDF including all content so you can revisit anytime.
If you haven’t subscribed yet, join here.
Thanks, Courtney. I received a lot of value out of this post–it’s well-crafted and it really resonates with me.
So glad Matthew! Thanks for letting me know.
“Ban the word “busy” and see what it feels like to talk about your life differently. “I’m so busy” is usually a complaint.” I’ve been really conscious about never saying busy anymore in my vocabulary. People wear it like a badge of honor, and maybe I did at once, but I really want to slow down and savor life, even if that means I won’t be an overnight billionaire or some other version of “success.” Great post!
It’s up to us to define success. Thanks for your thoughtful comment Tonya.
Courtney, what a beautiful and *true* post. Sixteen years ago I had an auto accident that stripped me of my busy life of dance, exercise, and career interpreting for the Deaf. In an instant I couldn’t do anything that had filled my life. The lessons I learned are so similar to what you list, yet as I’ve improved over the years I can slip back into old habits. Thank you for so beautifully summarizing what you’ve learned.
Thanks for sharing some of your story Leslie. I find myself slipping too but these non-negotiable always get me back on track. It’s a practice.
There’s so many beautiful reminders in this post Courtney. Thank you for writing and sharing.
Thanks Hayley!
A splendid summary of chapters and chapters of wisdom! Mirroring the “busy” with the “warrior alternative” makes the message really stay put. At least I hope it will with me!
Glad the gentle warrior resonated with you Linda.
I’m confused. You are suggesting that I sign up for a Facebook program and e-mail posts after stressing the importance of limiting these types of intrusions in one’s daily round.
I will decline your program with kindness and an open heart, as you have suggested…..
Hi Gloria, I do suggest limiting digital distractions and choosing what you want in your life. It’s completely up to you to decide what adds value to your life and what doesn’t. That looks different for everyone.
Number 1 really hit home for me. It’s so true, your heart really does know. So many times I have ignored what my heart said just to please someone else, how wrong I was to treat myself in this manner. Thanks so much for this post today!
Thank you so much for this – it’s really resonating right now. I’m a college student (freshman living in a dorm) and an introvert, and juggling my outer and inner worlds has been an incredible challenge. I’ve failed to meet my own needs in the name of “engagement,” and it’s taken a huge toll. Your advice has come at the perfect moment for me.
P.S. Something I learned in a Permaculture Design Course was that articulating goals in the present tense and active voice can make them easier to embody and realize. For example: “I do not say yes when my heart says no. I am a gentle warrior.”
I’ve found that framing desires this way has a profound impact on my ability to live up to these hopes, and figured I’d share the tip. 🙂
Thank you so much for everything you share and for creating this beautiful community.
Thank you @Caroline for that comment!
Especially the suggestion from your Permaculture Design class: “…articulating goals in the present tense and active voice can make them easier to embody and realize. For example: “I do not say yes when my heart says no. I am a gentle warrior.”
Thanks for sharing this, Courtney!
I don’t think I still have much of a problem when it comes to saying no, but I’m pretty salty about asking for help. I usually have the misguided idea that it’s a sign of weakness, that it means I’m unable to meet my own responsibilities. That’s one thing I need to work on.
Great read!
Cheers,
Nelu
Thank you for writing this beautiful post. I wish so many people understood the benefits of simplifying your life. A great start to my day that I will read over and over.
Quiet, resounding words that calmed my soul as I read them. Your writing does not stress me out with another to-do list or hurry to get along with my life. Instead your words are the essence that gently flow into my mind, creating peace and understanding so that my life, right where I am, invites me to linger. Thank you.
I absolutely love reading your posts! I’m not even sure how I connected with you but I look forward to what you have to share.
I’ve been on a journey to “simply, reduce, prioritize, savor” my life over the past couple of years and your posts have given me great wisdom and encouragement.
Thank you for blessing me (and I’m sure countless others). May you continue to find favor and live a full life of joy and gratitude. Peace and love be with you.
If there was anything that explained exactly what my heart wants to hear it would be this manifesto. I couldn’t resist letting you know in this rather embarassing public forum that i love you. I love what you are inspiring me to be. I am a million miles away literally around the globe in another culture but stumbling along in your footsteps.
SO much good stuff in here, Courtney. My favorites are:
“I will measure more by what’s in my heart and less by what’s crossed off my list.”
“I will work with people who want my best, not my busiest.”
These two statements resinated with me the most.
Thank you for your writing. I always enjoy it!
For some time I too have boycotted busy. My life if full and meaningful, may be “watching the grass grow in the dead of winter, but everso purposeful.
Courtney, I appreciate you immeasurably! I relish and savor EVERYTHING I read that you write. I am ever grateful for you and your shared voice!
First was love, then came gentleness. I’m really enjoying the way you incorporate self-compassion into your motivation, Courtney.
It’s so important for the sustainability of our actions that they come from a place of gentleness and understanding.
Courtney, thank you for this beautiful post. There’s so much wisdom here. I love the idea of asking different questions when I’m talking with my friends – taking the focus off of the busyness of life and instead focusing on what really matters.
I am also striving to be intentional about “lingering” longer and taking time to notice the beauty in life. Thanks again for sharing your heart!
Beautifully written post. I will try my best to change my FOMO to JOMO too, I guess it’s about time. Thanks for sharing. Great Read.
I love #9! I’m developing a real joy at missing out!
This speaks to me at a very deep level. I was in a constant state of business for years- until it ruined many aspects of my life. I even quit my job to get back on track and find myself and live according to the things I value. I am working hard to be the best version of me rather than the busiest person I can be. I love my life more when I can take time for things that matter and enjoy the moments. .