When I look back at how I let my life get so out of control, I realize it wasn’t a conscious effort to become busier, do more, own more, and owe more. Things just kept building up. I forgot what I wanted, so I couldn’t protect it. I was a victim of circumstance, not taking responsibility for the fact that I created the life I was living.
My crazy, busy life was destroying my health and relationships. When I finally noticed that’s what was happening, I started to change everything. One of the most important things I did was quietly begin a busy boycott. I started at the height of my busyness while working in a fast paced, very stressful advertising position. I didn’t tell anyone, and no one noticed.
I started identifying what mattered to me and doing what was necessary to protect it. My tactics were fierce, but also soft. I moved from helpless victim to gentle warrior.
In a society that always wants more from you, it’s important to draw a line in the sand. What I’ve learned though is if you can draw the line with your heart, you can take a stand with a smile, dump the guilt around doing less, and instead of disappointing others, remind them what’s important in their own lives by honoring what’s important in yours.
My manifesto is a list of my non-negotiables that guide me, especially when I struggle with the call to do more.
A Gentle Warrior’s Manifesto to End Busyness
1. I will not say yes when my heart says no.
Most of the time, when presented with an opportunity or invitation, I know the answer. My heart knows long before I take time to consider what I’ll say. When I think about saying yes when my heart says no, I can feel it in my body. I might clench my teeth, squeeze my hands, or feel stress where there should only be light. For many years, I ignored those outside signs of inside struggle, but now I pay attention.
Be a gentle warrior.
Protect your heart and say no with a kind smile. Instead of saying yes when your heart says no, be honest. Your no doesn’t need a lengthy explanation or apology. Saying no more honestly will give you a chance to say yes and allow you to show all the way up for people you love and work you care about.
2. I will measure more by what’s in my heart and less by what’s crossed off my list.
I had a bad habit of measuring my self-worth by what I got done each day. If there weren’t enough check marks on my to-do list, or I didn’t do more than everyone around me, I was a failure. If I was home sick, and couldn’t contribute at all, I’d feel even worse about myself.
I thought if I could do more, perform better, and climb the ladder faster, I’d be happier, more successful, and people would love me more. As I slowly pulled back and started thinking about how I really wanted to spend my time, I realized people couldn’t love me for what I accomplished, but only for who I really was. When I was consumed with doing more, I didn’t even know who I really was.
Be a gentle warrior.
Measure more by what’s in your heart and by how you treat people, including yourself. If you notice you are feeling down because of the things you left undone, remind yourself who you are and what you mean to the people around you.
3. I will prioritize love and health.
Love and health matter to me, but until I became a gentle warrior and began to protect them, respect them, and create an environment where they could thrive, love and health never had a chance to rise up. I experienced love and health in my life before, but not like I do now. I used to catch glimpses of both, but today my life is full of love and health.
Be a gentle warrior.
Know what matters most, and when you are making a decision ask yourself what will support the things that matter most to you. Let your priorities guide you.
4. I will ask for help.
I can get by alone, but getting by is not what I want for my life. When I ask for help, and bring other people in, everything is elevated. Last summer, when a friend helped me thrive in my work and I thanked him, he replied, “When you rise, I rise.” That statement reminded me that asking for help doesn’t just help me, but everyone around me. We are all in this together.
Be a gentle warrior.
Asking for help is a sign of strength. Asking for help builds relationships. Even though you can do it alone sometimes, you can do it better with help every time.
5. I will work with people who want my best, not my busiest.
I used to spend every Monday morning in meetings with no meaning. I used to spend hours writing weekly reports because people I worked with needed proof I was busy. Now that I work for myself, I decide how I spend my time, how I grow my business, and who I work with.
Be a gentle warrior.
If you work for someone who prioritizes busy work over good work, make subtle shifts if you can’t make a big change. Suggest standing meetings, or agendas that support a team. Challenge your co-workers to only check email a few times a day and to turn off chat, or notifications for certain times during the day. Go for walks during your lunch hour instead of eating at your desk. Recognize and demonstrate that busyness is not productivity, creativity, or love.
6. I will ask better questions so we don’t have to talk about how busy we are.
Let’s stop telling each other how busy we are. That conversation isn’t helping us connect, or become less busy. Talking about busyness makes me feel busy, even when I’m not. Instead of “how are you?” I am going to ask people, “What was the best part of your day?” or “Who or what made you smile today?” or “What will you remember about this week?”
Be a gentle warrior.
Ban the word “busy” and see what it feels like to talk about your life differently. “I’m so busy” is usually a complaint. You roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, and often sigh when rambling about your busy day. Instead, talk about your day with gratitude. Focus your conversations on the things you are grateful for and see how that changes things.
7. I will not let my phone run my life.
Phones were designed for connection, but the more our phones can do, the less connected we are. I used to use my phone everywhere, checking it constantly, even in the car.
Be a gentle warrior.
Turn off all notifications on your phone. Do you really need to know when you get a new email or Facebook message? Silence your phone when you are in the car, sharing a meal, sleeping, or doing other things that benefit from your undivided attention. Experiment with phone-free days, and removing social media and email from your phone.
8. I will trade my FOMO for JOMO.
By committing to do less, I am going to miss out on things, but instead of fear, I feel joy. Joy that I have a choice, joy that I am protecting what matters most, and joy because I feel well. Because I am doing less, I get to choose the things that mean the most, and I have the attention and energy to be engaged and truly enjoy what I’m doing.
Be a gentle warrior.
FOMO signals a lack of engagement. If you are worried about what you are missing, you aren’t finding the most meaningful parts of what’s happening right now. Letting go of FOMO means abandoning the need to catch up, keep up, and measure up to connect with what’s right in front of you.
Don’t be surprised if you actually look forward to missing the things that you used to do because you felt obligated, or fearful of missing out. Trade your F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) for J.O.M.O. (Joy of missing out)
9. I will create space for solitude.
If I need to decline an invitation to spend time alone, I will. If necessary, I’ll reschedule or cancel thoughtfully without explanation. I enjoy spending time with people I love and engaging in fun activities, but as an introvert, I need time alone. Without solitude, I feel depleted. Without quiet, I become overwhelmed and grouchy.
Be a gentle warrior.
Introverts need solitude, but so do extroverts. Protect your soul’s need for silence and retreat. Retreat, refuel and then go back into the world with a full heart.
10. I will linger longer.
I will watch sunrises and sunsets. I will savor delicious food, meaningful conversations, and beautiful views. I will take time to notice love in the details and joy in someone’s eyes. I’ll create space to nurture creative work knowing that you can’t schedule a good idea, when words will flow, or the magic of everything coming together in a way you just can’t plan.
Be a gentle warrior.
The opposite of a busy life isn’t a lazy life, it’s a full life. Don’t apologize for daydreaming, stargazing, or any activity that speaks to your soul. Take a long walk, a short nap, or sit quietly. Others may not respect the value of slowing down, but you know what’s best for you.
Become a gentle warrior and protect what matters most to you.
Make your own list of non-negotiables. Begin to protect your health, your love, your loves, and your life. Do this with the heart of a gentle warrior and your efforts won’t be selfish or isolating, but instead will allow you to be and give your best self.
These non-negotiables or life rules won’t limit you. Creating boundaries makes room to expand in all directions. You’ll free up time, space, and attention to expand in any direction you choose. And, you’ll have great clarity on what the best direction is.
