Getting sick was not part of the plan. Is it ever? I remember taking the call at work, “You have multiple sclerosis.” After months of vertigo, fatigue and tingling in my hands and face, I finally had a name for it. I didn’t want it and I was scared.
What made these lessons so tough is that it took me a really long time to accept them. I wanted the shortcuts, the overnight successes and often thought, “easier said than done” when confronted with them. Now, as soon as that thought enters my head, I think, it may not be easy but, is it easy now? Is the way I’m doing it now easy? If not, maybe it’s ok that this new path feels easier said than done.
10 Tough Lessons About Overdoing it and Getting Sick
1. Rest must come first.
The first section of Gentle is all about learning how to rest. Rest is often positioned as something we deem ourselves worthy (or unworthy) of. It’s the carrot or the prize after we finish doing everything else. The problem with this equation is that there is always one more thing to do. Right? Is it ever all done? It’s time to be honest with ourselves about how we sacrifice ourselves in the name of getting it all done and begin to put rest first.
2. More stuff doesn’t equal more happiness.
I used to shop when I felt sad so I could feel happy. Then I’d shop when I was happy to celebrate and feel happier. This was back before online shopping made it even easier. I really had to work for my shopping fix. I’d tell myself stories about how a great deal would make me feel, or how a new pair of shoes would make me more confident or how I deserved the new things I bought for myself.
Getting sick and looking at the things causing stress in my life invited me to rethink my relationship with stuff and shopping. I don’t need a new dress or kitchen appliance to feel happier. I discovered less stress and more happiness in owning less, managing less and doing less. I realized that I deserve so much more than more stuff.
3. The goals I set were too big.
Recently someone asked me about what to do with the guilt of failing to meet a goal, complete a task or finish a challenge. I remembered the times that happened to me. The problem wasn’t my lack of willpower or discipline, it was that I was doing too much.
Instead of being kind to myself and meeting myself where I was, I strived to be somewhere else, someone else. I wanted to be different and better because with the help of society’s messages, I convinced myself I wasn’t enough the way I was. Today, I still set goals and do different challenges but I realize that big change is the result of hundreds of tiny steps. I take those tiny steps and I celebrate them. I don’t wait until the big goal or challenge is completed to like myself.
4. What works for others doesn’t always work for me.
It has taken a dedicated daily practice to trust my voice — the voice that knows what’s best for me. I made space and time to connect with my heart and hear what’s best by simplifying my life. My daily practice is some combination of writing, meditating, walking or stretching and then sitting quietly with my hands on my heart.
Learning to trust and act on what I’m hearing involves experimenting, researching, asking questions, screwing up, starting over, laughing, and then doing it all over again. Sometimes I hear the voice, and know what’s best but try to ignore it and do something else. That never works. Not once. It doesn’t work for me to ignore what I know is true.
5. Doing more things doesn’t make you a better person.
When you are measuring (and measured) by how much you get done, it’s never enough. You lose yourself to doing more because you forget how you feel, who you are and what you want. Productivity culture will call you to do more. It will make you believe that if you could do a little more, finish one more thing and just ignore what you know about yourself for a little longer, you’ll be happy, loved, successful, rich, and (insert other lies here). Unfortunately, burnout and getting sick is a common response to productivity and hustle culture.
Over committing myself and my time led to a complete energy depletion. I was in a constant cycle of doing too much, exhausting myself, getting sick and barely recovering before starting all over again. Every day, inch by inch, we throw our time and energy away by saying yes before carefully considering how much time and energy we actually have. We think that just because we can do one more thing, we should do one more thing. But should we? Doing more things doesn’t make you a better person. It makes you a tired person. It’s time to rest, recover, renew and come back to you.
6. I don’t have to care about everything.
The way we dilute our time, energy and hearts trying to do it all and care about it all is a disservice all the way around. We are stressed out, worried and we struggle to give anything our full attention. When everything matters, nothing does.
Caring less about what other people think is real self-care. Usually, when we think people are thinking about us, they aren’t. And when they are, their thoughts are more about them, or their mood or their point of view. What would you do if you cared a little bit less about what they thought, what their expectations were, and who you thought you were supposed to be for everyone else? What would life be like if you trusted you first and the rest was just background noise that you could turn down as needed?
7. My life is better without drinking.
I don’t drink drink anymore for the very simple reason that my life is better without it. Who knew that after getting rid of most of my stuff, becoming debt free, downsizing and leaving a job that wore me out, the thing that would simplify my life the most would be not drinking.
For a long time, I questioned my drinking but thought I needed a rock bottom reason to quit or thought that quitting meant people would think that I had a problem, or maybe it meant that I had a problem. For me, minimalism is removing the things that remove you from your life. Drinking removed me from my life so I removed it.
8. If catching up worked, we’d be caught up by now.
Where you are right now is where you are. You aren’t behind, you aren’t caught up, you are here and that’s all you really get. I know this may be obvious and we spend so much time and energy and heartache trying to “get there” that we often forget we are here. We are here in this fleeting moment and we never really get to be anywhere else. Note to self and anyone who needs it: When you find yourself striving to catch up or struggling because you feel like you are behind, be here for a moment. This is it.
Remember the glass and plastic ball analogy? Think about all of the balls you have up in the air like … taking care of yourself, feeding your kids, a project deadline, mental health, physical health, having fun, cleaning house, asking for a raise, emptying your inbox, responding to a text message, laundry, watching a movie (and on and on and on). Some of those items are made of glass so if they drop, they will break or be damaged. Others are made of plastic and they bounce. You can pick them up again later (or not). This is not about balance, this is about priority. Hold on to what matters, let go of the rest. If catching up worked, we’d be caught up by now.
9. You cannot rush healing.
We all want to feel better faster. I’ve pushed through the common cold, flus, feeling down and unmotivated, overwhelmed and broken-hearted. Healing takes the time it takes. I learn this lesson over and over again. It took months before I felt better after my diagnosis in 2006. A couple of years ago I broke my foot and had to learn this lesson again. As soon as I remember to slow down and take time to heal instead of trying to push through, I start to feel better.
10. Doing it alone is lonely.
I enjoy figuring out things on my own, but this chronic and potentially progressive condition required more support. At first I resisted asking for help, even with my closest people. I didn’t want to scare them. Then I realized that they needed me to ask for help as much as I needed the help and support.
I am not responsible for my MS diagnosis but I am responsible to it. I feel better when I let go of stress. These tough lessons might apply to something you are working through right now. Maybe you think, “easier said than done” too. Good health is never guaranteed but simplifying and reducing stress can help. Not only might you feel better, but you’ll create time and space to take care when you don’t.
