Courtney Carver

When we think about the benefits of simplicity, we tend to focus on things we can see. We think about decluttering and donating. We declutter the wardrobe and different things in our homes. We celebrate clutter free countertops, empty book shelves, and organized computer desktops. While all of those things are important and worth celebrating, that’s just the surface of simplicity.

The benefits of simplicity aren’t always visible but after less clutter comes less stress, fewer distractions, more free time and personal growth. These life changing benefits may start slowly but a simpler lifestyle often leads to a shift in how you think and a better way of life.

These benefits have changed my health, my relationships and my life.

1. You don’t overreact as much.

A simpler life gives us space and time to consider how we want to respond. When things are too busy, and complicated, we get lost in a reactionary lifestyle. We say things we don’t mean, and sometimes blow things completely out of proportion. When we have time to reflect before responding, we can answer appropriately from a thoughtful place instead of a quick choice of fight or flight. We might decide not to react at all. This is self-care at it’s best. Having the clarity to know that an under reaction might be the best next step keeps your stress levels lower and may bring you closer to the people you love.

2. There is more time to take care of you.

When we reduce commitments and obligations, and eliminate common stressors like debt, crappy jobs, and hurtful relationships, we have time to take better care of our heart and soul. There is time for a nap or journaling and being creative, and space for meditation or a simple gratitude practice. Different people need different things to support their physical and mental health so consider what might work best for you. Better health always simplifies things. Maintaining quality time to take better care of yourself may feel like a luxury at first. As you experience the benefits, you’ll want to figure out whether minimalism or a more simplistic lifestyle will make even more room to take care of you.

3. You’ll feel better.

Even without changing our diet or working out, simplicity can lower blood pressure, and reduce the risk of some disease. Stress can trigger migraines, colds and even auto-immune conditions. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, simplify for your best health.When I was diagnosed with MS, I learned how stress can negatively impact my condition. I wanted to live well with MS so in addition to working with a great medical team, I eliminated as much stress as I could. That included owning fewer possessions, less multitasking and overcommitting, more physical activities like walking and pilates. The way I eliminated most of the stress from my life was through simplicity. I share more about my health journey in Soulful Simplicity.

4. When you disconnect, you can reconnect.

It’s hard to really connect with anyone when we are hyper-connected to our computers and phones. Our minds are full enough, and then when we add layers of digital information, it’s easy to lose focus during a simple conversation. Unplugging gives us a calm platform to listen and engage. If you want to get closer to the people you love, put your phone down and give them your attention. If you struggle, try a few of these 15 ways to spend less time on your phone.

5. Say goodbye to decision fatigue.

I didn’t realize how amazing it would be to make fewer decisions. With a small wardrobe, I don’t have to make a bunch of decisions about what I’m going to wear. Because I surround myself with my favorite things instead of every thing, I don’t have to make endless choices about taking care of my stuff or which coffee cup to use or other small, sometimes silly decisions. This helps me be more clear about more important choices.

6. Do less cleaning and organizing.

When it comes to benefits of simplicity, this one is underrated. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to spend my time cleaning and organizing my stuff. I understand the idea of being organized, and the benefit of having organizational systems and routines but I also see that most of these systems were just created to help us save everything and store more stuff and get more done so we can bask in the glow of our productivity. I don’t care about those things. One of the reasons we are so easily overwhelmed is because we have so much to deal with.

By turning your focus from organizing to living with less, you can create more margin so when bigger things happen they don’t completely upend your life. You need a buffer and some margin for the unexpected. Let’s face it, if organizing worked, you’d be organized by now. Owning less is gentler than cleaning and organizing more.

7. You can be more generous.

One of the best benefits of simplicity is that you can be more generous. Once I became clutter-free and debt free, I had more to give. When I cleaned up my calendar and began to streamline the way I spent my time, I had more of that to give too. I started simplifying my life for selfish reasons, because I wanted to be healthier and happier. It’s important to note that I had to put myself first before I could give more freely. The better I felt, the more I had to enjoy and to give.

These benefits of simplicity may not be visible in your living space but they are the secret to being more with less. Just a taste of simplicity inspires us to go after even more simplicity. We naturally want less of the meaningless stuff and more of what really matters.

These daily habits are not the healthy habits you’ve thoughtfully curated like meditation, going for walks or brushing and flossing your teeth.  These are painful habits that developed slowly maybe without you even knowing it. Now they weigh you down on a daily basis even though they might feel like second nature, as if you couldn’t stop them if you tried. The good news is that none of these painful daily habits are personality traits. They are habits and patterns. They are what you do, not who you are.

One of the easiest ways to avoid change is to think, “that’s the way it’s always been” or “this is what I always do” or worse, “this is just who I am” because none of these habits are who you are are. They reflect your behavior and habits and with self-awareness and an interest in shifting these painful habits, you’ll find relief when you let go of them.

5 Daily Habits That Are Causing You Pain (and how to let go)

1. Engaging in the drama of other people’s thoughts.

A drama-free life is a happier life. Whether you are engaging by responding to what you think someone is thinking, or something they said or did, getting mixed up in this kind of drama rarely ends with mutual understanding or you feeling good about your actions. Instead, engaging in drama is a painful habit that depletes you. You may make a habit of getting mixed up in drama that is your business or drama that has nothing to do with you, or a little of both.

How to let go of the painful habit of engaging in drama: First, notice how your body responds when the bait of drama awaits. Next, before you do anything, ask yourself what your intention is. What results are you hoping for? Then, ask yourself if the actions you have planned are likely to end in your desired conclusion. If not, delay your reaction. See what happens if you do absolutely nothing this time. Repeat forever.

2. Getting lost in guilt and/or regret.

Turning your attention to guilt and regret on a daily or consistent basis robs you of gratitude, joy and the present moment. Author, Dan Pink suggests optimizing regret instead of minimizing it. He says, “There’s a reason we experience negative emotions. They’re useful if we treat them right. Regret, you don’t want to wallow in it. You don’t want to ruminate over it. But if you think of it as a signal, as information, as a knock at the door, it is a powerfully transformative emotion.”

How to let go of the painful habit of getting lost in guilt and/or regret: First, notice when you are spiraling or getting lost in these negative emotions. Next, instead of allowing your mind to take over, write down what’s bothering you. It’s easier to see what’s really going on when you see it on paper vs. chasing it around in your mind. Remind yourself that you have paid enough and by holding on, you are missing some really good parts of life. Then, fold up your paper and ceremoniously, let it go.

3. Pleasing others by disappointing yourself.

This one might be the hardest because by pleasing other people, you may actually believe you are doing the right thing. It’s wonderful to do nice things for other people but when you continually sacrifice your own time and energy, disappointing yourself to please others, it’s time to check in on your motivation. What do you get from the pleasing part? The most painful part of this habit may be the dishonesty of saying one thing and thinking another. Also notice who may be taking advantage of your need to please. This reminds me of the saying, “The only people upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.”

How to let go of the painful daily habit of pleasing others by disappointing yourself: First, identify how you feel when you please someone else. How long after you feel good do you feel resentful or exhausted? Are you outwardly joyful about doing something for someone else and upset on the inside? Next, set boundaries to protect your time and energy especially with the people who don’t respect your time and energy. Practice saying no, even when you aren’t busy doing other things. Then, start replacing your people pleasing with a daily simple pleasure. Please yourself to nurture your time and energy so you can be more thoughtful about how and when you give it away.

4. Projecting your fears on other people.

It’s natural to have thoughts and feelings about what others are doing based on our own life experiences. We look at the world through this lens. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that someone else may have a completely different experience trying something that didn’t work for us or that we don’t approve of.

How to let go of the painful daily habit of projecting your fears on other people: First, don’t take other people’s personal life choices personally. Next, practice celebrating and lifting other people up instead of weighing them down with the fears you may carry from your experience. Then, consider how you can share potential pitfalls and offer helpful tips (if asked) while being supportive.

5. Doing one more thing.

Doing more things doesn’t make you a better person, it makes you a tired person. Still, you keep trying to do one more thing. You may practice this painful habit right before bedtime, delaying sleep as you check one more thing off your to-do list. The problem with this is that there is always one more thing to do.

How to let go of the painful daily habit of doing one more thing: First, create a closing ritual to remind yourself that you are done doing things. For instance, after dinner, wipe down your counters and brush your teeth as a signal that it’s time to stop doing and enjoy being. Next, as part of your closing shift, write down all of the “one more things” that are on your mind. You can revisit the list tomorrow. Then, choose a bedtime that you will honor. Half the battle of getting a good night of sleep is simply putting yourself in bed.

Simplify your life and feel better by letting go of these painful habits. At first, letting go and changing your patterns may feel uncomfortable but with practice, you’ll notice you have more time, space, energy and attention for your life. First, notice if these daily habits are painful for you. Next, shift your behavior. Then, celebrate your amazing progress. You deserve that.

Ready to know how to simplify anything? Excited to simplify anything and everything? You might not want to do it all today but if you save this article, you can come back when it’s time to simplify anything from space, time, money, health and other life things.

The saying how you do anything is how you do everything rings true with simplicity too. Even still it helps to have a little instruction manual when it’s time to get started to reduce decision fatigue and procrastination. If you aren’t sure where you want to start, consider choosing what you are most interested in or what stresses you out the most. If you decide to simplify what you are most interested in simplifying it will be easier to do. If you choose to simplify what stresses you out the most, there will be a big benefit.

How To Simplify Anything

Inspired by this article, How to Do Anything, I bring you How To Simplify Anything.

Declutter the things that surround you. Let go of the things that you only notice when you are cleaning, or the things that make you sad and the things that stand in the way of you enjoying your space.

SPACE. How to simplify …

Your wardrobe.
All that extra stuff.
Paper clutter.
Your books.
Your closet.
Sentimental items.
Your decluttering routine.
When you struggle to declutter.

Think about how you spend your time and how you’d rather spend your time. Be thoughtful about your minutes and moments so you can slow down and give more attention to what matters to you.

TIME. How to simplify …

Things that steal your time and hold you back.
How you spend your time.
The go-go-go pace of life.
Procrastination.
The pressure of productivity culture.
Your mornings.

When you feel well, everything is simpler. Seeking better health is the reason I simplified almost everything in my life. Even though I was focused on how to live well with ms, simplicity improved my mood, my sleep, my mental health, the way I thought about my body and how I treat myself.

HEALTH. How to simplify …

Your reactions.
The way you feel.
Your worries.
Self-care.
Relationships with people who bother you.
Regret.
Your relationship with alcohol.

So much of our lives are consumed by the digital world. It’s time for us to be more intentional about how we engage with our phones and other digital devices. These articles will help you think about how social media, constantly checking email and screen time actually impact our creativity, productivity, health and wellness. You’ll also learn some fun tips for spending less time online with ease.

DIGITAL. How to simplify …

Your email and inbox.
Your digital life.
Sharing on the internet.
Time you spend on your phone.

Simplifying my relationship with money relieved so much stress for me. It took time but I’ll never regret paying off decades of debt, changing my shopping habits and thinking about what made me happy and what did not.

MONEY.

Holiday budgets.
Your shopping habits.
Your debt.
Your work.

We can look at almost everything through the lens of simplicity, not to create a simple life but to create a life. Remove the things that remove you from your life, the things that weigh you down and the things you really don’t want to give anymore attention to. Leave things like hurry, judgment, comparison and perfection behind and enjoy your simplicity journey.

OTHER LIFE THINGS.

Packing for a trip.
When you come home from a trip.
The way you deal with difficult people.
Conversations about simplifying.
The holidays.
Fear of uncertainty.
Stress.
Happiness.

What did I miss? If there is something you want to simplify that’s not on this list, let me know. I’m happy to make a recommendation.

Fixing our relationship mistakes will simplify life faster than any decluttering tip. These mistakes apply to friendships, romantic relationships, family ties and how you interact with co-workers.

We all make mistakes that are hurting our relationships but becoming more aware of common pitfalls will bring us closer to the people we love. Don’t blame or shame yourself if you’ve been making these mistakes. Instead, get curious. What would things be like if you worked on one or two of these mistakes. Will it improve your relationship and your own level of life satisfaction? If the answer is yes, then it’s worth a look.

I’m not a relationship expert (not even a little bit) but I have made these mistakes and I see what shifts when I shift my behavior. Fixing these relationship mistakes won’t make every relationship perfect but they will help you feel better within them. It may take some time to fix these relationship mistakes but I’ll share a simple step for each one so you can begin to work on being happier within your relationships and happier in your life.

1. We don’t take care of ourselves.

I’m listing this mistake first because it’s the most crucial. We neglect our own wellbeing in the name of taking care of everyone else and wear ourselves down. When that happens, we either can’t take care of others the way we’d like to our we resent everyone who needed so much from us. That moment, when you don’t think you have time to take care of yourself is the exact moment you have to take care of yourself.

Simple step: For big picture self-care, you’ll have to go further than a bubble bath or massage (even though those are nice ways to unwind). Consider what kind of self-care will bring you back to you. One of these 8 unconventional approaches to self-care will help.

2. We take everything personally.

We all partake in this relationship mistake. Before you make it all about you and create stories about how the situation you are dealing with is going to impact your life, stop. Tell a different story. You might use this practice with someone you know or someone you’ve never met. Here are a couple of examples. If you are meeting a friend for lunch and they are twenty minutes late, you could assume that they don’t value your time. With that story in mind, you’d get more and more frustrated with every moment they are late. How dare they treat you like that. Now, tell a different story. Wow, with everything that’s on her plate right now, I can’t believe she had time to meet me at all. It must be stressful for her to be running behind. This story makes you feel more compassionate.

Usually, when we think someone is thinking or saying something about us, they aren’t. When they are thinking or saying something about you, it still isn’t about you. It’s about them. That’s why the feedback you give says so much more about you than the feedback you receive. If you are harsh with someone, check in. What’s going with you? If you are hungry, sad, rushed or bothered in another way, your comment may have had nothing to do with someone else. As Martha Graham said, “What people think of you is really none of your business.”

Simple step: Remind yourself that it’s probably not about you by reframing the story you are telling yourself about any given situation. Additionally, don’t engage in hard conversations when you are hungry.

3. We don’t communicate.

Lack of effective communication can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a breakdown in any relationship. Not expressing needs, feelings, or concerns can create tension and prevent conflict resolution. We desperately want to be understood, but to avoid conflict, we hope someone will read our minds instead of having to share what we need. Sometimes it’s the things that are unsaid that are the biggest relationship mistakes. 

Simple step: Listen to The Dear Therapist Podcast. This podcast encourages better communication through real world examples of people who are usually struggling to connect and communicate.

4. We don’t put our phones down.

There’s a great saying that goes something like, Love is 2% effort and 98% putting your phone down. It sounds funny when you put it like that but this a serious relationship mistake that most of us make. Disconnect from your phone and other digital devices so you can connect to the person sitting across the table from you.

Simple step: Schedule phone-free time during meals or at another convenient time when you want to encourage better connection with someone you love.

5. We don’t listen.

There are so many reasons that contribute to this relationship mistake. We don’t listen because we are thinking about what are going to say next or because we are distracted (see no. 4) or because we haven’t created the habit of listening. We want everything immediately and we are used to quick hits of information from social media and other digital connections so we forget to pause and make space for the words and feelings of someone we love. Active listening is crucial in a healthy relationship.

Failing to listen attentively, interrupting, or dismissing the other person’s feelings can create a sense of invalidation and erode trust and intimacy. When you listen well, you won’t just hear the words, but you’ll see how someone feels too. Recognizing and acknowledging the way someone feels as they are communicating with you shows that you care.

Simple step: Slow down your conversations. Allow for silence in between sentences so you can take in what’s really going on. Practice silently counting to three before responding to give yourself time to listen and process.

6. We have too many expectations.

If we are easily disappointed by the way others treat us or by how they spend their time and live their lives, the relationship mistake may lie in our own expectations. It’s likely we are disappointing ourselves by placing unrealistic expectations on other people. Even though we think we are doing it from a place of love, that’s not how expectations are received. If you keep going and tell yourself that you are just trying to help, remember as Anne Lamott says, “Help is the sunny side of control.”

Wanting things for other people more than they want it for themselves is one of the 8 things we’ll regret when we’re older if we don’t stop now.

Simple step: Think about how you receive expectations that are put on you. Do they bring you closer to someone or push you away. Ask yourself if your expectations may come across as controlling instead of helpful.

7. We forget about the little things.

It’s rarely the grand gestures that sustain a relationship. Instead, it’s the little things. Forgetting them or discounting their importance is a relationship mistake that seems easier to make the longer we are in a relationship. Connect with the people you love with the little things. If you don’t have time for an hour long video call, try a 10-minute phone call or send a text that simply says, “thinking about you.”

Simple step: Choose a few of these 50 ways to show you care without spending a dime or listen to this podcast episode about random acts of joy and kindess.

8. There is a lack of boundaries.

We often think of setting boundaries in bad relationships but where boundaries are really powerful is when they are used in our best relationships. Failing to establish and respect boundaries can lead to resentment, and an imbalance of power in a relationship. Clear communication and mutual respect for personal boundaries are vital.

If you feel threatened or upset by boundaries, Elizabeth Earnshaw says, “When people set boundaries with you, it’s their attempt to continue the relationship with you, not an attempt to hurt you.” Instead of rejecting a boundary, reframe and ask yourself how it might bring you closer to the person setting it.

Simple step: Read The Book Of Boundaries by Melissa Urban for 130+ scripts with language you can use to set boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself.

Simplifying your life can help you develop closer relationships as you create more space and time for the people you care about. AND, improving your relationships will help to simplify your life as you remove drama, chaos and misunderstandings by taking simple steps and focusing on your behavior. Just like clutter, it’s so much easier to notice other people’s relationship mistakes but start with your own. Take a look and see how you engage with the people you love and spend time with. It’s not too late to take a simple step and improve things.