Be More with Less

simplicity is love

Why We Need to Lovingly Set Boundaries

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How to Lovingly Set Boundaries

I am going away for a few days and I’m putting my first email autoresponder in place. I’ve thought and talked about it, but I’ve never actually done it. I always thought autoresponders were cold.

Instead, I squeeze in a little time for email even when I take a vacation. I don’t know for sure, but it’s possible that I haven’t been away from email for longer than 72 hours since email was a thing.

That’s a bit of a confession for a simplicity advocate, and while this isn’t a problem for all of you, I know many of you feel my pain. Our inboxes have become the primary source of communication in our work and sometimes, in our lives. I’m grateful for this thriving community of people who care enough to reach out via email or other channels. I don’t want protecting boundaries to compromise that, but not protecting them leads to other compromises.

Even though I think auto responders can be cold, not knowing what to expect feels colder. When I wait weeks or have to chase up an email response, or I take too long to reply to someone … brrrrrrrrr.

There has to be a better way between cold auto responder and huge delay or no response.

I am going to try this …

Hello and thank you for your email. I used to think autoresponders were cold and yucky, but …

  • checking email all day every day is colder and yuckier
  • even though the internet is open 24/7, I am not
  • the only way we can give our best is by lovingly protecting boundaries

I’ll be responding to email on Wednesday, September 23rd, but this might help in the meantime …

  • If you purchased a course and can’t find the link, please check your spam and promotions folders. If you still can’t find it, I’ll send you a new link on Wednesday (or sooner).
  • This page has answers to frequently answered questions.

xo,
Courtney

——

If I feel good about this when I return on Tuesday, I am going to put it in place on weekends, when I’m working on bigger writing projects, and when I get away with my family.

Why didn’t I do this sooner?

Fear. I’m afraid that I will make people mad, miss opportunities, or fall behind. I know it sounds silly to have fear around something like email, but it’s my reality. Aside from snakes and spiders, most of the fear we have probably sounds silly.

What are you not doing right now to protect your boundaries because you are afraid? Make a list and then experiment.

I’ll consider this an experiment, and when I return, I’ll let you know what happens. I’ll be experimenting more with protecting boundaries around social media, my blogging schedule, dinnertime, my morning routine and daily routines, and digital sabbaticals.

Why am I doing it now?

Instead of checking email at the airport, I want to sip coffee and laugh with my husband. Instead of trying to figure out wi-fi on the plane, I want to gaze into the clouds. Instead of scheduling time for email, I want to linger over lunches, enjoy my friends, and dip my toes in the ocean at least 10 times a day.

Let’s put fear aside and make more room for love.

 

Comments

  1. Sorry to clog up your e-mail account just before you leave ;-), but this is one of the greatest of your great posts, Courtney! How right you are! I am going to save your text and distribute it before my next vacation (also to my husband; maybe he’ll play along). Enjoy your free time, and thanks for showing us how to get some without a guilty conscience.

  2. Hi Courtney,

    Thank you for this insightful post.

    I couldn’t agree with you more about the importance of boundaries.
    Thank you for the reminder that it’s ok to politely and compassionately set boundaries – and that some of us have to work through fear and guilt in order to do it.

    Looking forward to your post about how it all went!
    ~Katharine

  3. Enjoy your timeout Courtney! I think it’s absolutely ok for you to be unavailable for a while and necessary. We’re not machines, just humans. I will have a think about my own fear points.
    Have a fun break.

  4. This is such a good idea. I wouldn’t be offended at all if I got that message. I understand you’ve got your personal life, just life everyone else does and if some people can’t understand that it’s their problem and not yours. I don’t mean to sound rude but that’s what I think. Enjoy your mini-break 😀

  5. good on you. i’m an old, 70. people will wait. the ones that will not seem to be people that i don’t want or need for customers. we don’t work for people that we don’t like(respect). no buttheads, please. i even give them the number of somebody that doesn’t turn down work. we use miss sonic. as in a panasonic telephone recorder. i like the idea of telling them when you will be back, so they won’t email you insistently.

    you have a life, hopefully it ain’t work. work is something that we do to pay for life. family first. bemorewithless. maybe post what hrs that you will respond to email? why not? bemorewithless. listen to yourself.

    ice cream. raz

  6. I have been making a conscious effort to not be checking emails or social media when I am out with friends, my children, or my husband. What I’m noticing is that while I’m engaged in what is around me, others are not. After a movie, waiting outside the bathrooms for whomever EVERY (I counted 5) person was on their phone. Sitting at a coffee bar, I counted 6. Out for drinks, and cell phone lights were lighting up people’s faces. I feel alone! It’s so weird!

  7. Good idea! I am going away for my honeymoon in just a few days and I’ve already decided I will not touch anything related to the internet. As far as the inbox reply, I don’t find them cold at all! I find the lack or response even colder. ha! Say someone sent you an email and received no reply – they’d rather get the “I’ll be back” message than none at all. I find it reassuring that my message will be received.
    I do like the auto-reply message you wrote. Really cute.
    Enjoy your trip!

  8. Oh hes, “the only way we can give our best is by lovingly protecting boundaries”. So true. And so hard, because we think to give our best, is to give our all. Learning all the time! Thanks for the reminder. And have a great time, Courtney!

  11. We put out-of-office automatic messages when we’re away from the office, so why shouldn’t you! I think people appreciate it and it saves people wondering or worrying why they’re not getting a reply back sooner. I think it’s a common courtesy and perfect to do. Now enjoy your time away!!

  12. Hooray for you!! I have long felt the same way about autoresponses but I would not feel “chilled” if I received the one you are going to use. I have always felt that, if one is going to get away, one should really get away; otherwise it is a useless exercise. So, enjoy your laughs and coffee and friends and we’ll “see” you when you return!

  13. Just reading this made me feel less overwhelmed. I can only imagine how great it’s going to feel for you to be able to enjoy your off time 🙂 can’t wait to see how this experiment goes for you.

  14. why on earth would you feel guilty about turning off email while on holiday?

    I always turn off work email when I am on hols, I have a super-secret personal email for friends and family (and even that gets checked really sporadically on holiday), otherwise it is my work address that I use. .

    And on top of that, not only do I use it for holidays I also put it on on a Thursday and say that I only check emails Tues-Thurs. On the bottom of my email signature it says I tend to check emails 11-4pm on a Tues – Thursday.

    It is also on my policies page. So people know what to expect. I tell my clients my contact hours. I may work outside of those hours, but I don’t access my emails.

    I am a writer, researcher and an arts consultant/coach, I am not a brain surgeon. No-one will die if I don’t answer my emails. I need time away from my inbox in order to create, unwind and do great work for me and my clients .

    Oh and I have a work and personal phone too. Guess what? My work phone gets switched off the same time as my emails do.

    I really don’t see what the problem is…

  16. My away message I borrowed and then tweaked (from Anna guest jelly). I’ve received your email, Thanks for reaching out, but I’m away from all screens today. In the meantime, close your eyes…………..take a breath…….and another…………everyone needs a break sometimes. I’ll return your email when I check messages tomorrow after 3:00.

  17. When I began to set boundaries, I explained to people that pushed back how it was of benefit to them. I may not be at their beck and call 24/7, but when they do have my attention they have my full, undivided attention. They won’t have to deal with me taking a call, glancing at my phone to check text messages, or other people walking into the office and interrupting. If they can do me, and other people in my life, the same courtesy that I’m asking others to provide to them, everything will be so much better. It worked.

  18. Sounds a great plan to me – go for it and enjoy your “downtime” and as for those of us who “need” a reply – NOW ….it shows us another alternative,calmer way of living 🙂

  19. Oh, Courtney, no wonder that we are lot of people loving to read what you write. Fear, boundaries and love…you made me consider my behaviors, again!

  20. I think your auto response is perfect! What I hate most about the email/texting world is being ignored, so you having an automatic response eliminates me being (irrationally:o) mad that you didn’t get back to me quick enough or at all. And this kind of auto response is nice for the receiver, they now know they don’t have to keep checking THEIR emails to see if you responded. WIN-WIN!! Happy email-free vacation!

  21. I love this! There are so many ways to set boundaries and many things that need boundaries. I have learned these past couple of months that social media and shopping especially need boundaries. I am going to really consider how to set some better email boundaries. Thanks Courtney!

  22. Hooray, Courtney, hooray! Thank you for the honesty in this post. I applaud your plan, and I actually appreciate autoresponders for all the reasons you mentioned. The boundaries I’ve put around email have made a huge difference for me–and I still have more to learn on that front. I look forward to hearing about your experiments!

  23. Great post! I’m never offended by auto emails. Enjoy your time away! I vote yes for you to auto emails on weekends, too!

  24. In the Tim Ferriss book “Four Hour Work Week” he had a unique way of dealing with email and voice mail. If I remember correctly his autoresponder and voice mail message explained that he only checked email and VM twice a day. Once in the early morning and again in the late afternoon. He also left alternative ways to contact him if something was urgent. A variation of this may work for you Courtney. After reading this post I think I am going to try a variation 😉

  25. Hope you enjoy your vacation! I just went away for a few days and it did me wonders! Personally, if I get an autoresponse by email it doesn’t bother me at all, just makes the responder seem more professional!

  26. Enjoy the holiday! you took good decisions.

    In holidays I don’t have email/internet contacts. In the past I was answering on the phones of my colleagues/boss but now I am informing anyone that I could be out of the area and I opened my phone only for several hours daily. Auto-replay is perfect for me.

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