Even when we choose love over stuff, we still need or want to buy stuff. Owning less doesn’t mean owning nothing, and certain things add value to our lives.
The trick is distinguishing what enriches our lives from what distracts us from living the way we really want to live. After many years of decluttering, downsizing, and living with less, I see how destructive stuff can be. One thing at a time seemed harmless, but when considering a lifetime of purchases, the damage was obvious.
Once we become discerning about what we let into our homes and lives, we can redefine the ways we shop and spend.
We have to stop relying on the answers to the obvious questions like:
- Do I need this?
- Do I want this?
- Can I afford this?
We’ve been asking those questions and ignoring the answers for years. Instead, we make the purchase anyway even if we don’t need it, don’t really want it, and/or can’t afford it. We ignore the answer in favor of a good deal, pressure to measure up, or simply to feel good for a moment.
It’s become a pattern or habit to buy even when it isn’t in our best interest, but the question I am going to recommend asking will disrupt those patterns and habits.
Before you make the next purchase, ask this one question …
Is this love?
If you fall in love while shopping (I love those shoes/that bracelet/these dishes/this car), know this love is different. I’m not talking about the temporary love haze you fall into on a shopping excursion, but the kind of love that lights up your whole life.
Is this love?
Does this contribute to your life in a loving way, or support people you love, work you love, or something in your life you really care about? Does this thing help you live a life you love, or encourage you to be more loving?
Keep coming back to the question.
Is this love?
You may still ignore the answer and make the purchase, but if you keep asking, and keep considering the answer, what you really want will be harder to ignore.
If you really want to understand why you shop and spend, apply this question to some of your prior purchases. When I do that, the answers to “Is this love?” include …
- No, this is me having a bad day.
- No, this is me buying something to get ready for something I’ll probably never start.
- No, this is me distracting myself from something else.
- No, this is me buying something to feel something or prove something.
- No, this is boredom.
Is this love?
If the answer is no, walk away. If you’re not sure, wait. Love isn’t in a hurry. Usually, just by asking the question, you’ll be reminded of what you do love about your life.
Is this love?
I’ve started to use this question not only for purchases but other decisions too. When you center your decisions around love, your intentions and actions are infused with love too.
What’s better than that?
I love (giggle!) this post. I’ve been using this method since the end of last year although I haven’t used exactly the same script.
I started my “buy less” campaign while working on decluttering. Emotionally, it’s too taxing for me to do it all at once so I’ve been going through the house in 2 to 3 month cycles. It’s easier to let things go when the things that were causing me to be stymied got to sit on the back burner, so to speak, for a couple of months. By the time I get back to them, the emotional hold they had on me seems to have lessened dramatically. Anyway, it seemed rather silly to be going to all of this effort to declutter, only to go shopping and bring home more stuff!
So, my first step was to pick one day a week to do my shopping and run errands. No shopping in between. Step two was to keep a running list on the side of the fridge for things we were running out of (toilet paper, milk, eggs, etc) and things we needed (potting soil, skein of yarn to FINISH a project, tennis shoes because the old ones are worn out). Then there’s the list of things that we want. That list sits on the back burner while we ponder those items for a while. Leaving things on the back burner for a while gives you a chance to disassociate yourself from your inner child’s desire for immediate gratification. It gives us a chance to figure out if it will be something we’ll be pleased with for a long time or if it’s something I’m going to be agonizing over getting rid of shortly.
So far, so good with this method. Took me months before I found the perfect toilet brush holder for the remodeled master bathroom. I love it. Simple white ceramic piece. Glad I waited and didn’t settle for good enough. Waited 3 months as I pondered and researched electric pressure cookers. I bought an Instant Pot and we love it. It’s in use all the time. Food tastes better, cooks faster, it preserves more of the foods nutrients AND I don’t have to spend my time hanging around the stove. I can go quilt while dinner’s cooking. Love it! Husband has just bought a leaf raking attachment for his tractor. One acre, lots of trees and he’s 58 and would prefer to spend his time building the RC planes that he loves rather than hand raking leaves. Love it. Bought two lampshades to replace the ones that are coming apart. They weren’t quite the right size, didn’t love them, returned them. That white t-shirt that looked perfect in the store but not so great when I got home? Didn’t love it, returned it. Found one 2 weeks later that was just right. Love it!
I realized that a lot of my shopping and purchasing stemmed these things. 1. Boredom 2. Wanting a “treat” when I was feeling yucky 3. Having a bout of envy over someone else’s something or another 4. Buying a place holder instead of waiting for the just right thing 5. Buying a inexpensive something to pacify myself because I couldn’t afford an expensive something I wanted. Things that I bought when I was in any of those five modes were rarely anything I loved and kept.
So, now I stay out of the stores, I ponder and research, I return things if I’m not sure I love them, I wait to find the just right thing……and if the shopping bug bites me real hard? I grab a bag, pick a spot in my house and proceed to toss things that I don’t love in that bag to donate somewhere! Love it!
Love this! I just started simplifying my lifestyle and am so excited to have stumbled across your site!
Do you happen to have advice for kitchen minimization?
Thanks for digging into the reason behind why we do what we do & why we need to stop!
(Huge Dave Ramsey fan too! Debt freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!)
Hi
I’m not an expert but I finally have my kitchen clutter free.
Doing a draw/ cupboard at a time when I first started was a bit slow for me. So my advise is to get out the same things you have multiples of, you will be surprised at how many of each you have:
Eg Casserole dishes, Bowls, Jugs, Glasses , Knives etc
Work through which you love to use and those that you don’t.
Foodstuff was easy but table cloths, mats, napkins etc I didn’t really get to grips with until I’d built my declutter muscle!
Once you’ve created space in the cupboards put away most of the items off your kitchen surface – tea, coffee, sugar canisters and mugs ( my mug tree was discarded). I now have a kettle, a bowl of fruit, my husbands coffee machine, a music docking station and 2 orchids out on show. It’s so easy to clean and looks almost designer 😉
Thank you!
Your comment was better than the original article!!
Wholeheartedly agree!!
I love your method! I’ve become good at returning things when they’re not quite right, too. Encourages me to be as discerning as I can be next time I make a purchase, and saves me giving away those “also rans” later!
I bought 2 things recently for love. I bought an 8 puzzle set (Frozen themed) and a patchwork-like puzzle in order to play with my 3 year old granddaughter. She & I both like puzzles and she is very good at putting them together 🙂
This is a lovely post, Courtney. What a great way to make a decision.
Thank you for this advice!!
I’m in a big need of a neew pair of runing shoes. I love running! I’m looking forward buying the new pair as soon as I’ve saved money enough to do so. I do love my TWO other pairs of running shoes even though they nearly doesn’t do their job anymore. I’m so happy knowing that I really want, need and LOVE that coming purchase.
Thank YOU for this blog – I really want, need and LOVE it <3
I always love your posts, because I find them so spiritual and at the same time so practical too. You tap into and explore the depth and emotional hooks whilst suggesting strategies for making progress immediately. Thank you.
I loved the reasons you provided to understand why often people shop and spend.
When it comes to me, I have to admit it’s true (at least in some cases).
They do explain some of my past shopping sprees.
However, since 95% of my purchases in recent months are for my baby boy, I can testify with a clean conscience that my motivation for these buys are nothing but pure and simple love 🙂
I’ve been considering buying some new, good quality linocutting tools for my printmaking. The basic ones have been getting on my nerves as they don’t cut properly and detract from enjoyment of a craft that I love. I went ahead and bought them after reading this article and the reviews about how lovely they are to use. I think I’ve made the decisions for the right reasons.
Thank you AGAIN Courtney. I ALWAYS pause to read what YOU write!
This is so beautiful!! By centering our world (including purchases) around love, our lives will begin to embrace more and more love! I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much love…
This is hugely helpful to me. The act of identifying what you are actually trying to fulfill by spending (“this is me trying to distract myself”, etc.) is powerful. And by doing that, you can look for a better way to address that than through spending and acquiring.
Excellent advice, Courtney! So powerful. I love this line (and the three questions before it): “We’ve been asking those questions and ignoring the answers for years. ” So true! Your new question is powerful. I’ve been decluttering for over a year now, before and after a major house move, and yet I buy this-and-that, new shoes, new shirts, essentially replacing the stuff I’ve let go. Looking over some recent purchases, in light of your article, I ask, ” Is this love?” and I’m not hearing a big yes. I’m hearing, “No, this is me thinking I won’t have enough,” and its sister, “No, this is me thinking what I already own is not good enough.” Good enough for what, I wonder? It’s very difficult to rewrite the scripts from childhood. Thank you for an inspiring life practice.
I’ve been slowly clearing my clutter for a few years now. Once a lover of shopping I now feel uncomfortable in shops and just see it as stuff with a heavy energy (or maybe it’s my energy that drops!)
I can finally see the wood from the trees and love my new less cluttered home. It’s so much easier to clean and though there’s still more decluttering work to be done I finally feel like I have my life back and only wish I’d started on this track when my children were little.
With the hard work behind me I’m less inclined to buy more stuff but I normally ask when I go shopping ‘do I need it and will it be useful’. Though I love most of the things in my home (still some work to be done), This article has just highlighted that I don’t often put in the question ‘is this love’ as I more often than not go down the practical route especially with clothes. Having only just bought some very practical, much needed black boots in the sale, I’ve realised after reading your article that I don’t actually ‘really love them’. They are nice and they tick my other requirements but ‘I don’t really love them’ so they are now hack in the bag and ready to take back to the shop!
Phew and thank you x
I look for love in each item. Today at the drug store I even found it in a package of aspirin 🙂 I touch every plate and every pair of socks with grace and love. If it doesn’t sparkle – let it go.
THANK you Cortney for opening my eyes. Love this blog.
A big hug from Sweden <3
I’m a former shopaholic turned minimalist and one thing that really helps me is imaging my life without the potential new item. Are there things I won’t be able to do or times I’ll find it really inconvenient to not have it? Or is it just something that will be nice to have?
But I definitely still apply the ‘love’ technique as well! Usually I use the above technique to decide if I need something (ie: a new pair of shoes) and then the love technique to actually pick out a pair!
Hi Courtney – Thank you for your insightful blog and for the always beautiful nature pics. You are a special person with many talents and it is kind and generous of you to share them with us. Thank You!
I am looking forward to reading your blog. I love everything you mentioned about de cluttering!! I have started buying on line and returning almost everything I purchase. I have to slow down!!
What a fantastic article! If I’m honest with myself, most of my purchases are for comfort-in-the-moment, something to distract me from various challenges in my life, feelings of meaninglessness and emptiness and frustration. Wow.
I can think of my two most recent purchases, decorative, and while neither was expensive at all, and I “loved” them at the time, it wasn’t *love*.
Thank you for this, I’ll be asking myself “Is it love” from here on in.