We are all guilty of passing judgement at one time or another and probably more frequently than we would like to admit. I use “we” here to include myself, because as much as I want to treat kindly and be more loving, being judgmental is a hard habit to break.
We judge people by
- what they say
- what they wear
- what they eat
- who they hang out with
- what they create
- what they look like
- what they do for work
- if they have more than us
- if they have less than us
It’s one thing to observe and notice, but another to place judgement and make assumptions based on a glance or a glimpse. We know this is true, but it is our inherent nature to raise eyebrows, smirk, and make a mental note about how we think someone else is.
The real truth is that we don’t know what is in someone’s heart. We don’t know their pain, their perspective, their intentions or their life. We don’t know enough to judge and it is not our job to judge.
And really, what benefit does judging someone have? Judging a person doesn’t describe who they are. It describes who you are.
Today’s mini-mission is no easy task and requires a close look at your own heart, fears and ability to see past a first impression. This mini-mission challenges you to judge less. Instead of focusing on judging or not judging though, try to replace your behavior with something more valuable.
Replace judgement with …
- Kindness. As soon as you notice your brain going to a judgy place, find something nice to say or think about someone.
- Gratitude. Often times we judge someone else because of something that isn’t right in our own life. Identify something in your own life that you are truly grateful for. When you turn the focus away from what you don’t have to being grateful for what you do have, your heart naturally softens.
- Connection. Instead of passing judgement, simply say “Hello.” or “Good Morning.” or “I love you.” or “How can I help?”
- Empathy. Remember how it feels to be judged and stop the cycle.
- Laughter. When you start judging, laugh at your own behavior. Ask yourself this question, “Isn’t it funny that I think I am in a place to judge someone else?”
- Engagement. Get lost in your work and your relationships through true engagement and you won’t have time to judge.
Consider that your judgement has nothing to do with the other person. It is simply how you choose to view the situation and the world based on how you feel about yourself and what is going on in your life. You have the power to choose to judge less. You’ll feel lighter, happier and more loving and helpful when you do.
For more experiments to simplify your life, read Mini-missions for Simplicity. It’s available on the Amazon Kindle store, but you don’t need a Kindle to read it. Kindle books can also be read using the Free Kindle Reader App for your Web Browser, PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone, BlackBerry, or Android.
It will be a tough challenge. Thank you for your very thoughtful piece. I especially like the list of actions that can be done to reduce the behavior of judging. I will work on this.
Wonderful post and so true.
If we take a moment to understand that every living being comes into this life helpless, and struggles to learn how to survive, feeling inadequate and threatened, then judgement will come less quickly and less critical.
We all are doing the best we know how.
It is really difficult to suspend our judgement. Once I was in a conference where there was a person who went up the stage. The person was not dressed in an appropriate attire for that conference. Just by looking at him, I thought it would be a waste my time to hear him talk. But then he spoke. He weaved the words into mesmerizing stories. All of us present there got engrossed in it. At the end of the session, I learnt a valuable lesson. Suspend your judgement. As you have rightly put it – Judge Less.
Hi Courtney
I am amazed with your words today. this morning ,I swear, I made a deal with myself to attempt to stop judging, having been turning this over in my mind for a few weeks. I finally resolved to try, so much so that I discussed it with my friend today. Then I open your blog and hey presto, serendipity, leap and the net appears and so on.
I am so informed by your work
thank you for all
r
Courtney Carver! Always a pleasure read your words, as they never disappoint and always provoke further thought. Passing judgement on others is a very natural way to think. But not all that is natural is good, so I am glad you offer the alternatives that you have. Laughing at myself always works, and there is always plenty to laugh at.
On the other hand, the social/judgement pendulum is swinging dangerously close to devaluing good, objective observation and noticing. We must take care not to take offense to innocuous comments about each other.
Have a Jolly Day!
Courtney,
Another great post, thank you!!!
This is such a good thing to be aware of and improve on. A lot of us do it…often habitually.
Thank you for the heads up and helpful suggestions. 🙂
This is indeed a good post. I thought here is that people often confuse disagreement with judgment. It is okay for us to disagree with each other! But prejudgment is the problem that I think you’re discussing here. Today people are often very touchy… Don’t judge me, I won’t judge you. Judgment is a part of our natural make up. It’s helped us evolve through the years. Despite, suspending judgment of others in treating them like you would like to be treated is one of the most difficult things that we can do as people. Though I DO feel we should strive to reach this daily. I know that I was have to remind myself not to judge others. I just want to drive home the fact that disagreeing with someone is not judging them. In that regard I think some of us have some toughening up to do.
I think my own antidote to being all judgmental is realizing I can be as screwed up as the next guy, and I have the track record to prove it.
With that perspective I can still be as feisty & opinionated as ever without stepping into judgmental territory. But that’s a delicate balance & mindset is so important here.
Thanks Courtney, this is a great post. I recently read a bunch of books by shame researcher Brene Brown. She suggests that we tend to pass judgement on others in the areas where we are vulnerable to shame (rough paraphrase). When I thought about that I quickly realized that this was true for me. Now when I catch myself passing judgement I take it as a sign that I need to be doing some inner work on my shame issues. The problem is that I don’t always catch myself passing judgement!!
Engagement. I really like that suggestion. Thank you for offering a menu. I need choices! 😉
I use shifts in activities to break my thought patterns – which include judging. It is not easy, but it’s so worth it.
I have always considered judging people to be a natural part of life, but it is how you react to that judgement and whether you stick to that judgement once you have more information, that makes all the difference. I have always thought of judgement being a fluid thing rather than a static one.
I really appreciate your thoughts on this, and you helping me to reconsider my thoughts on judgement. Thank Courtney.
Hi Courtney,
I love these alternatives to operating from a place of judgement.
This business of judging people is such a sneaky habit, I often don’t notice I’m doing it until after the fact. So the idea of finding a few practices we can use to form replacement habits seems very useful to me.
I particularly liked the kindness and empathy suggestions as a starting point.
Love this. Thank you so much for this. Sometimes I remember to greet someone when I start to feel judgy. It’s funny how the person that I end up saying hi to seems pretty innocuous after I’ve made the first move.
Not judging is really hard, and we all have our weak points, I think. I’ve found that I tend to judge people who remind me of people who have hurt me in the past (for example, I was a working class kid in a wealthy town, so I have a hard time not judging people who appear wealthy, of all things!). I think the key is knowing our weak points and working with them.
This is a wonderful page, and I love the list. I think that the only important thing I could add goes up to what Carrie B said. We will never get around the fact that we do have first impressions. We just need to make them conscious (Like everything else in life, the spiritual path is to make what is unconscious more conscious, is it not?). Recognize your first impressions as simply that, don’t hold on to them, and realize that they probably will change with more information.
Thank you Courtney for this great post. It is a wonderful call to action that will make your life and the lives of others so much more positive. I recall a teacher many years ago saying that we are not in any place to judge a person until we have walked many miles in their shoes. I have found that once you truly understand the other person’s perspective and/or situation, it is so much easier to be less judgmental and more empathetic.
I have the hardest time with this, I was raised with a very judgmental mother….and its like its ingrained in me. Try as I might I just can’t NOT do it in certain circumstances which are usually when someone behaves in a manner that inconveniences me and the people around me – no matter what the reasons…
*Sigh*
I just don’t know how to stop doing this….even when I try the things you suggest…